
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/686120.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Choose_Not_To_Use_Archive_Warnings, Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major
      Character_Death, Underage, Rape/Non-Con
  Category:
      Multi
  Fandom:
      Homestuck, Sweet_Bro_and_Hella_Jeff, Baman_Piderman, Let's_Play_-_Fandom,
      A_Softer_World
  Relationship:
      Sollux_Captor/Aradia_Megido, pale_Karkat_Vantas/Rose_Lalonde, Meenah
      Peixes/Aranea_Serket, Roxy_Lalonde/Calliope, Pale_Nepeta_Leijon/Equius
      Zahhak, past_Damara_Megido/Rufioh_Nitram, Damara_Megido/Cronus_Ampora,
      Terezi_Pyrope/Dave_Strider, implied_Dave_Strider/Rose_Lalonde, John
      Egbert/Vriska_Serket, pale_Sollux_Captor/Terezi_Pyrope, pale_Aradia
      Megido/Tavros_Nitram, Rose_Lalonde/Kanaya_Maryam, Dave_Strider/Nepeta
      Leijon, Sollux_Captor/Roxy_Lalonde, pale_Damara_Megido/Tavros_Nitram,
      Eridan_Ampora/Feferi_Peixes, Terezi_Pyrope/Karkat_Vantas, Jade_Harley/
      Vriska_Serket, Sweet_Bro/Hella_Jeff, Dave_Strider/Karkat_Vantas, pale
      Aradia_Megido/Dave_Strider, Terezi_Pyrope/Vriska_Serket, Eridan_Ampora/
      Sollux_Captor, Kanaya_Maryam/Vriska_Serket, Baman/Piderman, Medibot/
      Pokecapn
  Character:
      pretty_much_everyone_-_Character
  Additional Tags:
      Promptbound, Kink_Meme, Suicide, Awkward_First_Times, Smoking, Art,
      Dubious_Consent, Murder, Abusive_Relationships, badfic, Crack, what_are
      genres?_we_just_don't_know, Prompt_Fic
  Series:
      Part 1 of Served_Promptly
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-02-16 Completed: 2014-09-15 Chapters: 61/61 Words: 18671
****** Keep It Short And Sweet ******
by AceyEnn
Summary
     A collection of unrelated mostly-Homestuck one-shots, inspired by
     everything.
     Mostly SFW, but not entirely. Will add individual chapter ratings
     eventually.
     Now closed. New stuff will be added as individual fics.
***** Paper *****
Chapter Notes
     PROMPT: Sollux/Aradia. “A paper town for a paper girl.” (Paper Towns
     by John Green)
“I needed to get away from Maple Valley for a while. I hope you understand.”

Sollux glared. “AA, we thought you were fucking dead. You can’t just run off
like that. Everyone was terrified. No, I do not fucking understand. You’ve been
acting so weird lately, what the hell?”

Aradia smiled. It wasn’t her usual smile--it was a very slight quirk of the
lips, barely a smile at all. “Ever feel like you’re just a paper doll? Like the
universe is playing you for laughs?”

“Not really.”

“That’s how I felt, Sollux. Like paper. Like I was just being blown around by
the universe and played with, only to be thrown away later. I probably sound
stupid saying that.”

“Why did you come here, though? It’s not even settled, I mean, there was
supposed to be a subdivision here but it never got built. It’s just dry grass
as far as the eye can see.”

“Do you know what things like that are called, towns that are planned and
announced but never built?”

Sollux sighed, rolling his eyes. “Lemme guess. Paper towns.”

Aradia just laughed. “We...we all just exist on paper. We’re cosmic
playthings.”

“I guess we are, aren’t we? Wasn’t there something that happened before we were
born? Past lives or some bullshit like that? You were always going on about it.
Some place called Alternia and some race called trolls.”

“I remember everything. Heroes of Time tend to. Sit down, Sollux, I’ll tell you
all about it.”

Sollux sat, and he listened.
***** Sleeping Beauty *****
Chapter Summary
     calliope is in a coma and it makes roxy sad
     prompt: Calliope as Sleeping Beauty, Roxy<3Calliope
“Heyyy, Callie.”

Roxy sat down next to her unconscious girlfriend. Wow, she thought, Caliborn
really did a number on her. And he had--he was the reason Calliope was laying
in the hospital, comatose and on the brink of death.

She had read, once, that coma patients could sometimes remember things they
heard while they were out, assuming they woke up of course. Which Calliope
totally would. Right? She had to stay positive, for her sake.

“Janey wants you to know that the bakery’s doing good. She somehow roped John
into helping out while you’re in here, but she said to tell you that your
position’ll open up again as soon as you’re better.”

No response.

“Oh, and Rose and Kanaya are having a baby! Isn’t that cool? ‘Sgonna be sooooo
cute. I hope you can come to the baby shower.”

No response.

Roxy sighed. “I miss you, Calliope. Wake up soon, okay?”

She had to leave. She needed a drink.
***** Coffee Break *****
Chapter Summary
     Prompt: "pale RoseKarkat, questionable meteor coffee".
“Lalonde, this shit is downright disgusting.”

Rose looked up from her book. “Ahh, I see you decided to try the coffee. Is
that not a thing in troll culture?”

“No, it’s a thing. But this tastes like death and iron. How did you even manage
to gulp this shit down, anyway?”

“I didn’t. Once I saw that strange film on the surface, I opted not to.”

“Film?” Karkat took a closer look at his coffee. “Holy fuck, there’s blood in
this! What the hell?”

“...That raises more questions than it answers.”

“Hell yeah it does! Who the FUCK leaves rotting corpses in the coffee maker?”
Karkat paused, realizing what was going on. “Oh, goddammit, Gamzee. Fuck you.
Fuck you for existing and being batshit insane, and fuck me for being a
terrible moirail.”

“I must say,” Rose piped up, “your entire moirallegiance seems quite one-sided.
Is that the case?”

“...Yeah. It kind of is.”

“Perhaps you need a better moirail yourself,” Rose murmured.

She walked over and papped Karkat on the shoulder.
***** A Piece Of Cake *****
Chapter Summary
     Prompt: "Aranea<3Meenah, cake".
     There are a fair few fish puns crammed in here. I hope I didn't
     go...overboard.
     YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH
“You didn’t have to make this for me, Meenah.”

“Whale,” Meenah huffed, “what if I felt like it? What if I WANTED to bake you a
cake?”

“Um.” Aranea paused. “I suppose that’s fine, then? I mean, I know why you baked
it, but--”

“What.”

Aranea laughed. “You forgot I could read your mind, couldn’t you? That I could
fish through your thoughts?”

Meenah dropped the cake and hugged Aranea. “OH MY COD, you said fish. You are
fuckin’ flawless.”

“The cake’s kind of splattered all over the floor now,” Aranea grumbled.

“Why the shell should I give a carp aboat the cake now?” Meenah grinned from
ear to ear--or fin to fin, if you prefer. “It’s not like you didn’t know
nofin’.”

Aranea kissed Meenah on the forehead. “Fair enough.”
***** Trick Or Treat *****
Chapter Notes
     Prompt was "trick or treat", from a loooooooooooooooong list of
     single-phrase prompts.
     Oops, I wrote fluff.
"AA, aren't we kind of old to be trick-or-treating?"
 
"Of course not! We're only fifteen, we can't even drive yet. Still kids!"
 
"Teenagers."
 
"Still kids," she insists, grinning. She adjusts her fedora--she's decided to
be Indiana Jones this year, despite the fact that, last time you checked,
Indiana Jones didn't wear bright red lipstick (which Aradia is wearing right
now, just like every other day). Or have boobs, for that matter.
 
"Sollux, stop staring at my chest and get into your costume already!"
 
"Do I really have to dress up?"
 
"You won't get candy if you don't."
 
"Fine, sheesh."
 
And so you and your Halloween-obsessed girlfriend leave the house, after she
finally manages to coax you into a really terrible bee outfit.
 
(Seriously, you have glittery wings and everything.)
 
---
 
Two hours later, you sit across from Aradia at the local pizza parlor as she
counts her loot.
 
"So I got two hundred and forty-one pieces in all. How 'bout you?"
 
You look up from your pizza. "I'm not counting. A fuckton."
 
Aradia pouts. "I am seriously beginning to doubt your commitment to Halloween,
Sollux."
 
"Look, maybe I don't actually care about Halloween and just wanted an excuse to
hang out with you, okay?"
 
"That's kinda sweet, I guess." She leans across the table, over the pizza and
mountains of candy, and kisses you. "Thanks for coming with, in any case. Wanna
do it again next year?"
 
"Only if I get a less shitty costume."
 
"No promises.”
 
***** Shopping *****
Chapter Summary
     SWEET SOLLUX AND HELLA ARADIA GOES SHOPING (or, in which sollux is a
     bit manic and there are lame puns)
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"Dear GOD, AA, we need this."
 
Aradia looked up from the price tag she'd been looking at and saw Sollux waving
a bee-shaped USB drive in her face. Or rather, as the packaging insisted, a
USBee drive.
 
"...Aren't we here to try and find a new TV? Like, one with a working screen?"
she asked.
 
"Yeah okay fine, but check this shit out. When you spread its wings, the drive
comes out. This might actually be the best thing ever."
 
Aradia rolled her eyes. "It's cute, yeah."
 
"It's fucking amazing is what it is."
 
"Look, maybe we can get one or two next payday, alright? The TV is going to be
a really big expense."
 
"...Fine, we can wait."
 
(They bought one then anyway.)
Chapter End Notes
     Enough people have asked that I should probably mention here that the
     USBee drive is not a real thing that exists, at least not in the form
     I described it here.
     (It totally should, though.)
***** Drowning *****
Chapter Notes
     Decided to use more single word/phrase prompts!
     Fun fact: I actually rather like Feferi, but she seemed the most
     logical choice for this one. And I'm not above doing awful things to
     characters I like either way, so...
Sometimes, Feferi still thought of herself as a troll. A seadweller. Someone
who could survive underwater, no harm, no foul.
 
Right now, she was remembering, with absolute terror, that none of that applied
anymore.
 
She got caught in the seaweed all the time back on Alternia. It had been a
nuisance, yes, but...no more than that. Just an annoyance. Not so here on
Earth, here where she was human and regrettably non-amphibious, here where her
lungs were crying out for fresh air.
 
It hurt.Not just the oxygen deprivation, but the fear, the knowledge that if
she couldn't untangle herself soon, she'd die. For real this time. Forever.
What about her friends? Her family? Everyone she'd ever loved...she'd never see
them again, not during their lives at least.
 
Shit.
 
The bubbles began flowing freely from her nose and mouth. She'd spent too much
time thinking, not enough time acting. She tried desperately, one last time, to
free herself, but it was too late, far too late.
 
As Feferi's vision went blank and her lungs emptied, she thought of all the
things she should've done, not just today, but in general.
 
All the things she'd never do.
***** Skepticism *****
Chapter Notes
     Spoilers: The ghost is not Aradia for once.
"Come on, Ro-Lal, there's no way this house is really haunted."
 
Roxy let out a sigh. "Of courseit's haunted, Janey! You've heard the stories.
And none of them seem to, like, contradict each other. There's hellaevidence
for it being haunted, and none for it being...un-haunted or whatevs. So we're
totally going, because I wanna prove you wrong!"
 
"You're so gullible."
 
"More like...I'm so totally right."
 
-
 
The house looked almost normal, really--dilapidated, yes, but pretty much
average otherwise. Not your typical haunted house, not the kind you hear
teenagers daring each other to visit. Just a slightly run-down suburban place.
 
Jane knocked on the door, before realizing just how pointless that gesture
would be. She jiggled the doorknob. Locked.
 
"Let's go in through the window," Roxy suggested. "Shouldn't be too hard."
 
Jane rolled her eyes. "Can't we just go do something else? This is downright
silly."
 
"You're just chicken!"
 
"No, I just think this is stupid!"
 
"Chicken," Roxy insisted, walking over to the open window. "C'mon, let's do
this."
 
Jane opened her mouth to object, but by that point Roxy was already shimmying
through the window, so she decided to just grit her teeth and go along with
this foolish idea.
 
As Jane entered the house, she couldn't help but notice that the interior
suggested that it had been abandoned hastily. This did pique her curiosity--
she'd been expecting it to be empty. Dull, even. In actuality, it was kind of
interesting. She'd have to at least hand that much to Roxy.
 
“Heyyy, Janey, come over here!”
 
Jane followed Roxy's voice to a nearby room--it appeared to be a teenager's
bedroom, not all that different from her own, really.
 
And it appeared to be occupied by a third person. A young woman, no older than
Jane or Roxy. Her hair was short and white; her eyes, completely white. She
wasn't translucent, but she seemed to glow green slightly. Definitely a ghost.
 
“Goodness!” Jane gasped. “You...you were right, Roxy!”
 
“'Course I was, Janey. This is my new ghost buddy, her name's Calliope. She's
hella chill.”
 
Calliope chuckled. “Thank you, Roxy. You're too kind. I am assuming that
'chill' is a good thing in this context, correct?”
 
Roxy nodded. “Hell yeah! And Callie, this is Jane. She's my BFF. Best. Friend.
Forever.” Then she gasped. “We could be, like...a triumvirate. BFFs, times
three.”
 
Jane smiled. This had gone surprisingly well. After all, ghosts need friends
too.
 
And ghosts are so very real.
***** Smoke *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Your New York college has a smoking area, and you usually go there when it's
late, because you need the privacy, the time to yourself, the fucking
cigarette.
 
It's midnight, maybe later--you didn't bother checking the clock, but your
roommate is asleep so you can sneak out easily enough. It's early December, not
far from the end of the semester, and that generally means no one'll be out
this late. They'll be cramming for finals. And it's cold as hell, so there's
that.
 
That's why you're so surprised when you get there and see a girl leaning
against one of the lampposts, smoking a cigarette.
 
She's actually shockingly gorgeous, with long black hair that curls down to her
hips and a lovely face. She's bundled up for the cold, in a thick sweater and
scarf, and though her skirt is relatively short, it's paired with tights and
combat boots, so you figure she's not exactly freezing herself to death.
 
You walk up to her, and her green eyes meet your mismatched ones. “You're the
first person I've ever seen here at this hour,” you tell her.
 
“Well,” she replies with a smile, “usually I'm here later. But I finished my
work early. I didn't see any reason not to come here before, like, 3 AM.”
 
“...Okay then.” You shrug and stand next to her, lighting your own cig. “What's
your name?”
 
“Aradia Megido. History major.” She holds out a hand, and you shake it. It's
warm and welcoming and you like it, you like it quite a lot.
 
“Sollux Captor. Undecided.” She laughs. “What? Lots of us haven't chosen majors
yet, we're just freshmen.”
 
“I wasn't laughing at that, just...your voice.”
 
“Oh,” you say flatly. “The lisp, right?”
 
“It's really cute,” she says with a grin. She leans back against the lamppost,
blowing smoke into the winter air--nigh-indistinguishable from a normal
exhalation in this weather. “So Sollux. Why're youout here so late?”
 
“I like the quiet.”
 
“...Do you want me to leave, then?”
 
“What? No! You're fine, Aradia, totally fine.” Shit, you're sweating bullets--
this is nerve-wracking and she's so pretty and so willing to talk and--
 
“Great! We should go out to Denny's, it's freezing out here and I kind of want
pancakes.”
 
“...What.”
 
She shrugs. “Just a thought. It sounded fun to me. And who doesn't love late-
night pancakes?”
 
---
 
That's how you find yourself sitting at a Denny's at half past midnight,
chatting about life with a complete stranger.
 
She tells you she's from California, and totally not used to the weather here,
and that she lived with her mom and older sister before she moved here.
“Damara's kind of crazy,” she says of her sister, “so Mom kind of has her hands
full. I figured moving away for college would lighten her load a bit. But
mostly I just wanted to go somewhere I'd never gone before. An adventure,
basically. That's why I dragged you here! I wanted to be the kind of person who
goes out to Denny's in the wee hours of the morning, who talks to strangers and
wears big cozy sweaters.”
 
Aradia looks down at her coffee. “I know how stupid that sounds.”
 
“Not really,” you tell her. “I mean...my home life was kind of bluh. Brother
had brain problems, dad was never home. At least you know what you want to be.
I have no fucking clue.”
 
“Do you really have to, though?” She beams--her smile is bright and so genuine,
and you've never believed in love at first sight, but fuck. “We're young.
There's no rush! Take your time! Just because Iknow what I want doesn't mean
everyone else has to.”
 
When you part, you exchange phone numbers and Skype usernames, and promise
you'll see each other again.
 
---
 
It becomes a regular thing, you and Aradia meeting in the smoking area late at
night and briefly using it for its intended purpose before going off to do
something else. One night it's a trip to 7-Eleven to buy Slurpees; another it's
sneaking out to a playground and playing on the swings like you're both still
little kids. Things like that.
 
This time she takes you to the cemetery.
 
She lays an old comforter down on the snowy ground and lies down, head against
a tombstone. You lie down next to her, and she speaks.
 
“What kind of funeral do you want, Sollux? Like, do you ever think about that?
What you want people to do when you die?”
 
“...Sometimes, yeah. When I'm depressed, mostly.” She knows about your bipolar
disorder, of course--you had to give her a heads-up early on. “I kinda tend to
hope they'll just forget about me. No funeral, none of that bullshit.”
 
She smiles faintly. “I can understand that. I've been there, actually. Spent a
week in the psych ward. Couldn't wear lace-up shoes or use actual utensils at
mealtime. I mean, I'm better now, but...I've been there. I wanted to fade away.
To just dissipate, like smoke.” She pulls her cigarettes from her coat pocket,
lights one, puffs on it as if to illustrate her point.
 
“Wait, what?”
 
“I don't know what I want when I die, Sollux. I know what I want now, but I
can't figure out my funeral. It bugs me, y'know? Maybe I'll die suddenly, in an
accident or something, and they'll just make something up. And I'll be looking
down, and I'll know that's not what I want.”
 
“...You tried to kill yourself.”
 
She gives a slight nod. “It was a few years back.” Her smile is gone now, and
it's kind of strange, looking at her like this. “I wasn't in a good place, so I
took a bunch of pills and waited.” She pauses, takes another drag. “Then I
wound up puking them all up and my mom heard me vomiting and she took me to the
hospital.”
 
You chuckle slightly, and immediately feel awful. “Sorry, that's not funny, I--
”
 
“It kind of is funny, though! I mean, it's a better story than me dying.” She
laughs. “I'm glad, really. There's so much I would've missed out on if I'd
died. Like meeting you.”
 
Aradia rolls over onto her side, and, with her free hand, pulls you in for a
kiss.
 
You're in love. You can't even deny it anymore.
Chapter End Notes
     Why yes, parts of this WERE inspired by Looking For Alaska. And Paper
     Towns.
***** Overdose *****
Chapter Notes
     TW: Suicide. Like, seriously. That's all this chapter is about.
     I feel bad for Damara. :(
Your name is Damara Megido, and this is gonna be the last night of your life.
 
You've been planning your suicide for months now. Hell, this isn't even the
first time you've tried (your mom just said “damara i'm disappointed in you”
and your sister just looked at you all sad and hid in her headphones for the
rest of her visit to your room in the psych ward and your roommate was some
anorexic girl with a name even dumber than yours), but you've done your
research. Last time you slit your wrists and you still have the scars, running
from just beneath your palms to just beneath the crook of your elbow, and it
didn't fucking work, so you actually looked things up this time and you're
definitely going to die, you've made sure of it, because you don't care
anymore.
 
You wonder when you stopped caring. You think it was when you found out Rufioh
was fucking that Horuss guy behind your back. You went through a period where
you tried to drown out the pain (drugs, drinking, cutting, smoking, stubbing
out your cigarettes on your arms, fucking cronus motherfucking ampora behind
the school dumpsters and crying afterwards) and then one day it just hit you,
it hit you that no one mattered and you mattered the least of all and no one
would give a fuck if you died. Not your distant-as-fuck mom or your happy-go-
lucky little sister.
 
And definitely not Rufioh, the only person you ever really loved, the first
person you ever kissed, the first person you ever fucked.
 
Maybe you'll be happier when you're dead. Maybe you'll feel something other
than rage for once.
 
Maybe you'll just keep not feeling and not caring, but that won't matter
because you'll be too...well, dead to notice.
 
You don't even care.
 
You did your research this time.
 
You stole your mom's bottle of vodka and her sleeping pills. You wrote a note
out explaining everything. The note used the word “fuck” at least ten times,
you think.
 
(your sister was always the good kid. she never swore, she got good grades, she
was dating a genuinely decent nerd. she was the one who made your mom proud.
 
she'll have a fucking field day with the sheer enraged vulgarity found in your
suicide note.)
 
You know what to do--take an antihistamine, then some of the pills, then crush
the rest and take them with booze. Super simple. You actually did your research
this time, and apparently the certainty rate is around ninety percent.
 
You really hope you're not one of the ten percent that survives.
 
You've taken the Benadryl already, and you hope it works. You don't want to
puke everything up, that'd just defeat the purpose.
 
Twenty percent taken alone, they say. You don't divide the pills up super
carefully--you just sort of eyeball it--but you swallow them nonetheless.
 
You wait.
 
You get drowsy.
 
You crush the rest of the pills against your bed's headboard with your fist,
shove them into your mouth a fistful at a time, and drink the vodka down. It
burns--you don't know how your mom stands it. Maybe she's just desperate, just
as empty as you.
 
She has things to hold onto, though. She has a purpose. You have none of that.
 
You feel sick. Maybe you should lie down. You stumble to your bed, but your
limbs feel like lead and rubber.
 
Oh. You seem to have fallen down.
 
Does that really matter? Does anything matter?
 
Your eyelids are just as heavy as the rest of you.
 
Sleeping might be a good idea, you think. Dimly, you wonder if death will be
like sleeping. Maybe you'll dream. Maybe they'll be nice dreams. You hope they
are.
 
And that's the last thing you think before your eyes flutter shut and you
finally, mercifully, lose consciousness.
 
Forever.
 
-
 
You'll never know that it was Aradia that found you, that she screamed and
sobbed over your body and begged you to wake up, just wake up and breathe and
not be dead.
 
You'll never hear your mom frantically calling 911, or the paramedics
pronouncing you dead at the scene.
 
You'll never know that your entire class showed up at your funeral, that they
buried you with your favorite plushie and in your favorite red dress.
 
You'll never know anything about the world you left behind.

Your name is Damara Megido, and you are dead.
***** Breathe *****
Chapter Notes
     There aren't enough fics about Aradia's death told from her POV...
The first thing she's aware of, after regaining consciousness, is the pain.
Everything hurts. A lot. Her ears, her limbs, her head, her chest, everything.
 
Anyone who would see her would see her lying broken in the wreckage of her
hive, bones broken and limbs unnaturally bent, back half-snapped against the
debris. Maybe the blood, too--it pours from her mouth and nose with every
rasping exhalation.
 
She opens her eyes.
 
Sollux is right there, looking down at her. She smiles, despite the situation--
he's crying, he needs the cheering up. She tries to say something, but nothing
comes out, just more blood.
 
That scares her.
 
"Oh God, AA. I-it's gonna be okay, you just need to keep breathing. Okay?
Just...just keep breathing. AA, look at me. I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never
let anything like this happen again, I just...I just need you to live."
 
Her vision is failing, and so is her hearing. But as her body fails her, as her
lungs fill with blood, she realizes that, no matter how hard she tries, she
can't breathe.
 
Her last gesture before dying is to wipe the tears from his eyes, just before
her arm falls limp.
 
And that's why when she revives, when she's fully alive again, Aradia can't
help but cherish every breath she takes.
 
***** Blanket *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"Nepeta, you do realize you are far too old for something so childish, do you
not?"
 
Nepeta clutched her blanket tighter to her chest. Okay, in fairness it was more
of an animal pelt than ablanket per se, but its purpose was fairly well
identical. "Equius, I am only six sweeps old!" she protested. "Just because you
decided to be a boring grown-up all early doesn't meanI have to, you know!"  
 
"You have two sweeps left before conscription, Nepeta."
 
"Yeah, and that's a long time! And I don't need my blanket, I just like it a
lot! Dammit, you're so stuck-up sometimes!"
 
"Language, Nepeta."
 
Nepeta growled slightly, clutching her blanket even closer. "Well, there's no
way you're taking it way from me either way!"
 
"There's just no reasoning with you about this, is there?"

Nepeta simply stuck out her tongue. "Nope!"
Chapter End Notes
     wow what cuties
***** First Time *****
Chapter Notes
     Oh, look, I wrote a sex scene.
     (My headcanon is that the humans have tried to explain safe sex to
     the trolls. Oops.)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
"...How the fuck do you get these things on?" Sollux wondered out loud,
fumbling with the clasps to Aradia's bra. "Seriously, what the fuck?"
 
"It's not that complicated," she laughed. "I'll get it off myself, okay?"
 
After some utterly mystifying feats--well, mystifying to Sollux--the bra found
its way off of Aradia's chest. "Also, how are you able to run around with
rumble spheres like those?"
 
"Sollux, shut up and kiss me." She pulled his face towards hers, eyes closed,
and kissed him full on the mouth, which he naturally reciprocated.
 
As she pulled away from the kiss, Aradia asked, "Do you have the condom?"
 
"The what now?"
 
"It's a human thing. Apparently if you don't use it during sex you'll get
pregnant and die." Aradia pulled a small square package from her sylladex, and
began to carefully unwrap it. "It goes on your bulge, and it collects genetic
material. Pretty simple."
 
Several minutes later, after both parties had completely removed every last
article of clothing, Aradia slid the condom onto Sollux's dick, careful to
avoid tearing it. "I...I think you only have to keep it on during sex," she
noted, seeming a bit confused herself.
 
"God, I hope so. Can we fuck now?"
 
"My understanding is that foreplay is a thing, Sollux. Plus, apparently these
condoms are flavored, and I'm curious." With that, Aradia knelt down in front
of her matesprit and took his cock into her mouth, giving it a cursory lick.
"Ew, grape. Okay, we're skipping this part, I don't want to puke."
 
"Grape is pretty gross," Sollux conceded. "Uh...what now?"
 
"You stick it in my seed flap? I think? Look, I don't know much more than you."
 
"So you and Equius never--"
 
"We do not talk about my kinda-sorta fling with him, Sollux. Not in the
bedroom. Or ever, really. But no, you're my first. You're the first person I've
ever even seen naked, for crying out loud."
 
"Okay, okay!"
 
Aradia got back onto the strange human device known as a bed and lay down, legs
spread. "Okay, I think you're supposed to take it from here? It's not like your
bulge could get any harder at this point, so..."
 
After a few misses, Sollux managed to work his way inside her. "Ow," she
grunted.
 
"You okay?"
 
"Yeah, just...this is my first time and I'm not used to this. Keep going."
 
The couple began working up a regular rhythm,at least for about five minutes.
And then Sollux came, pulling out, exhausted.
 
"...Okay, I'm going to need to work on this," Sollux sighed.
 
Aradia smiled.
 
"Well," she said huskily, "you'll always have me to practice on."
 
Chapter End Notes
     wow can you tell who has experience with awkwardly having sex for the
     first time
     (spoilers: it's me)
***** Wants And Needs *****
Chapter Notes
     Migrating all my HSWC bonus round fills to this collection for easier
     navigation.
     Prompt: pale Sollux/Terezi.
     "but at the same time i wish 
     there was something i wanted
     as badly as he wanted to fry himself"
     -- the lesson of the moth, by Don Marquis
 
You go to Sollux's hive more than a fortnight after you go blind, a week after
you begin learning to see through smell and taste, and he's still a mess.
 
Your sense of smell is overwhelmed by the fact that he hasn't cleaned his
apartment since Aradia died (nor has he showered, as far as you can tell). The
stench of rotting food and stale sopor slime blinds you as surely as the sun
had, and you let out an exasperated sigh.
 
But you are so very pale for this boy, and you can't shirk your duties as his
moirail. Not now.
 
“Sollux, get out of your recuperacoon,” you order.
 
“No.”
 
“You need to snap out of this soon. Moping like this won't bring her back and
you know it.”
 
He looks up at you from his 'coon, glaring. “Ever think that maybe I just want
to die already? That maybe when I do haul myself into the ablution trap I'll
throw a moobeast prod in too and just fry myself? Hey, that's a great fucking
idea. Thanks, me.”
 
“She wouldn't have wanted to see you like this. None of us do. I'm not saying
you have to forget about her, I'm just saying you need to be less of a
goddamn ass about it. It's unbelievably selfish of you. We're all worried,
Sollux.”
 
“You shouldn't be.”
 
“Yes we should. You're destroying yourself at this rate. You have friends who
care about you. You have a goddamn moirail. It's my job to keep you from
screwing yourself over! I'm getting you out of your recuperacoon right now, and
don't even bother trying to stop me.”
 
Sollux has at least a foot on you, but sweeps of FLARP on your part and sweeps
of forgetting to eat or exercise on his have left you significantly stronger
than him, so you grab him by the shoulders and quite literally drag his slime-
covered body out of the 'coon. “Get into the shower. I'm going to have to go in
with you, because I swear to God, if you do anything to yourself in there I
will never forgive you.”
 
You walk him to the ablution chamber, and, as he cleans himself off, you sit on
the load gaper and watch--not in a creepy way, of course, you're just
so worried--and it dawns on you that your moirallegiance has been awfully one-
sided lately.
 
That can't be helped though, not now anyway. You're fine with being blind;
almost happy with it, in fact. Right now, Sollux is the one who needs your
help.
 
You just wish you needed him the way he needs you.
***** Scar Tissue *****
Chapter Notes
     Prompt: pale Dave/Aradia.
     “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The
     wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them
     with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ― Rose
     Kennedy
It's been precisely sixty-three years, four months, two weeks, six days, three
hours, four minutes, and ten seconds since Dave Strider last saw Aradia Megido.
He's a Hero of Time; he knows that much.
 
He doesn't quite understand why it's been so long. They'd grown close after the
game, not romantically close (by human standards, at least), but still nigh-
inseparable at times, and she called him her moirail and he didn't understand
that exactly, just accepted it.
 
She just ran off one day, when they were nineteen, seemingly in search of some
sort of adventure. She wrote at first, and then, abruptly, she stopped.
 
It's December 23rd, two days before Christmas, and he's decided to see if, for
whatever reason, she still lives where she did last time he got a letter for
her.
 
He drives all the way to Seattle, to the small house she lived in last time he
checked, and rings the doorbell.
 
“It's unlocked.”
 
He complies, and, for the first time in so very long, he sees her face.
 
He is so old and he hasn't aged since he was in his early twenties and none of
the other god tiers have either, the price of immortality, and while Aradia is
no exception to this, she certainly looks different. Tired. Sad.
 
“You alright?” he finally asks.
 
She shakes her head. “No. They're all dead, Dave. Everyone I played the game
with, every other troll. I mean, there are other trolls now, but not the ones
I knew.”
 
His poker face remains, but there is a hint of concern to his voice when he
asks her to tell him more, and more than a bit of resignation in hers when she
tells him everything.
 
“I can't turn back time anymore, Dave. Can you?”
 
“Nah. Tried once, didn't work.”
 
“You're lucky, you know. You still have your friends from before the game.”
 
“I know.”
 
She smiles faintly. “I shouldn't be like this, should I? I should be dead by
now. I should've died years ago. Rustbloods always do. I mean, I should be
grateful to be alive, but it's not the same. Every time an old friend died, it
was like...like a wound, I guess. They scar over but they never really go
away.”
 
He thinks of his Bro, and shakes his head a bit. “Well, yeah. But you can't
just dwell on that. This isn't like you, Megido. They're probably happy
doing...whatever the fuck dead people do. You still have us. We care. I care. I
mean, we're still moirails, right? That's not a thing that stopped being true?”
 
She hugs him, and he hugs back. He thinks she's crying a little.
 
“So...you wanna come to our place for Christmas?” he asks, a bit unsure.
 
She pulls away from his embrace, a slight smirk on her face.
 
“Will there be eggnog?”
 
“Duh.”
 
“I'm in.”
***** Neophyte *****
Chapter Notes
     Prompt: Dave<3Terezi.
     "I want a girl who gets up early
     I want a girl who stays up late
     I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
     Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
     With fingernails that shine like justice
     And a voice that is dark like tinted glass
     She is fast and thorough
     And sharp as a tack
     She's touring the facility
     And picking up slack
     I want a girl with a short skirt and a long, long jacket"
     -Cake, Short Skirt/Long Jacket
Dave was pretty sure that his first reaction to seeing his brother's defense
attorney should not have been to pop a boner, but there you have it.
 
The media was declaring his older brother's murder trial to be an open-and-shut
case. If one were to believe the news, they'd say, without hesistating, that
Dirk Strider killed Tavros Nitram in cold blood.
 
Dave knew otherwise; his bro was a lot of things, but he wasn't a killer.
Trouble was, no one was willing to defend someone who had, in the eyes of the
public, already been declared guilty, and so Dirk was assigned a public
defender.
 
Her name was Terezi Pyrope. She was barely any older than Dave himself, fresh
out of law school, and insanely attractive, with fiery orange hair and freckles
and, if he could be so bold, a choice ass. Even her lack of anything resembling
fashion sense did nothing to dimish her beauty. Dave was very, very glad he'd
worn baggy jeans that day.
 
“Dave Strider!” she chirped, snapping him out of his reverie. “Younger brother
of Dirk Strider. Your brother stands accused of murder. What say you?”
 
Dave noticed that she wasn't looking at him, or even in his general direction.
Then he noticed her red-and-white cane, realized she was probably blind or
something, and felt like kind of a douchebag. “He ain't guilty, Pyrope. It's
kind of your job to prove that.”
 
“It is my job to deliver justice.”
 
“Yeah, exactly.”
 
“You are correct! Your brother almost certainly did not murder anyone, and
there is an ample amount of evidence stacked up against who I believe to be the
true culprit. I've toured the detention facility, and I've spoken to your
brother, and I am nearly certain he did nothing wrong. No, my suspicions lie--”
 
“I get the point.”
 
Terezi laughed. “Of course you do, coolkid.”
 
“...Coolkid.”
 
“Yes! You are the coolkid. It's you. I do believe you were something of a
legend at Skaia High! You're the one who caused Mr. Hussie's mental breakdown,
are you not? I've done my research, you know.”
 
“Damn right I am. Bastard had it comin'.”
 
She grinned like a shark. “I like you.”
 
Dave couldn't help but smile at that.
***** YOU CAN'T GET YE FLASK *****
Chapter Notes
     Prompt: Dave/Rose.
     "You can't get ye flask." -Strong Bad
     (this one is shitty art oops)
***** On The Subject Of The Manic Pixie Dream Boy *****
Chapter Notes
     Prompt: Vriska<3John. “I still get wildly enthusiastic about little
     things... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against
     the wind.” -Leo F. Buscaglia
The trope's name was not coined until 2005, in the context of film critic
Nathan Rabin's review of Elizabethtown, but the concept of the Manic Pixie
Dream Girl is an old one, as old as stories themselves. Maybe as old as
romance.
 
You think that if John were a girl, he'd qualify as one. He is like something
out of one of Karkat's shitty romcoms, skipping down the street on the way home
from school and running against the wind (one time he fell, it was kinda funny,
you both laughed it off) and making your boring upper-middle-class suburban
life fun again.
 
A Manic Pixie Dream Boy, maybe.
 
Yeah, that sounds about right.
 
Your name is Vriska Serket and you'd been in a massive funk until a few months
ago. None of your old friends would talk to you, not after The Accident. You
told yourself you didn't need them, that you were independent and strong, but
you were, on the inside, indescribably lonely.
 
And then John Egbert transferred to your school and sat down next to you at
lunch, unprompted, and struck up a conversation with you.
 
“You look interesting,” he'd said. “Like some kind of evil femme fatale who
isn't actually that evil and winds up a good guy in the end.” You didn't know
what to make of that, but you assumed it was a compliment.
 
Before long, he asked you on a date. You saw a movie at his place, a Nic Cage
flick from the late '90s, and he kissed you on your doorstep after driving you
home because that's how it's supposed to work, and now you're a couple. Four
months and counting, longest relationship you've ever been in.
 
Your name is Vriska Serket, your life has become a shitty romcom, and you don't
mind one bit. 
***** Houses *****
Chapter Summary
     Prompt: Pale Aradia/Tavros. "I'll see you at your funeral, if you'll
     see me at mine. I'll wait at the edges for your ghost to rise (until
     the end of time). We'll find someplace nice to haunt, an abandoned
     beach house filled with memories of summer sunburns. Children will
     giggle as we tickle their feet at night and they'll never know the
     bad dreams we fight. We'll make our own heaven. Walking in places we
     used to walk until death, dies."
     -The Place Where I Wait, I Wrote This For You
Tavros had never expected his best friend to actually die.

Okay, that's not true--he'd known she'd die someday, as everyone does. He
just...hadn't expected it to happen so soon. 

Sixteen-year-olds don't just up and die in real life, right? That's just an
overused trope in depressing young adult novels. That's what he, in all his
wide-eyed innocence, had figured. 

And then she had. According to the autopsy techs, Aradia Megido, age sixteen,
had died of a brain aneurysm, one that had gone undetected until it was too
late.

He cries like a baby at her funeral, of course. How could he not? For all his
fantasies and all her talk of ghosts, he's got no clue what had happened to
her--not to her body, but to her. 

(She'd told him once that when they were both dead they could be spooky old
ghosts together, her words. They could find a big old house to haunt and mess
with anyone who dared to cross them. Maybe they could invite their friends, but
she'd assured him it would mostly just be them, and she'd hugged him and called
him her best friend in the whole wide world.)

---

When they meet again, he is nearly eighty, wheelchair-bound and decrepit, and
she tells him, in the voice of a sixteen-year-old girl who loved books and
abandoned houses and adventure movies, that she missed him and that his funeral
was beautiful.

"You're still here," he marvels, and in that moment he is young again, and her
hands are on his shoulders, a grin gracing her face. 
"Of course I am! So, about that abandoned house..."
***** All Gone *****
Chapter Summary
     Prompt: Sollux/Aradia.
     "Yesterday a tranquil night made me realize
     it'd be useless to pick up fallen petals
     cause it'll never bloom again
     it's tiny but already dead in my hands
     Our time stopped long ago
     I remembered the season when we first met
     And your sweetly smiling face
     bringing up old issues, we hurt each other as badly as possible,
     Our hearts are full of thorns
     with this continued frustrating relationship
     I sadly can't change my heart
     I still love you, I don't want to be apart from you,
     But I have to say it
     It's raining heavily in my mind,
     Dazed and terrified, even my vision is blurry
     I anticipated the hurt
     But my body can't move
     the bond between us has come apart and is dying away everyday
     Goodbye my love... This is the end
     We have to leave without turning back"
     -'Just Be Friends' by Luka Megurine
There is very little left of the Aradia you were so painfully in love with, and
you're the reason why.

The "accident" (no, not an accident, it was murder and it was your fucking
fault) left her a shell of who she once was. Even now, as a robot, she doesn't
smile, or laugh, or exude the sheer unbridled passion that the old Aradia--your
Aradia--did. 

You did some reading and you wonder if she's just depressed, but it seems so
unlike her, and you can't help but blame yourself for tearing the joy from her,
the love and passion and beauty. 

You talk to her one day, tell her that you think things will never be the same
between you. You tell her--truthfully--that you still love her, but that being
around her just drains you, just makes you sad and angry. 

"I don't think there can be anything between us anymore, AA. Not right now."

Her words shake you to your core.

"Was there ever anything between us? I forget."

And as you look her in those dead, mechanical eyes, you could swear you see
tears.
***** The Adventures Of Akwete Purrmusk *****
Chapter Summary
     "Remember when Dave and Nepeta made that funny comic together?"
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
AC: :33 < *ac prowls up to the human with the cool shades, befur pouncing on
him!*
TG: oh hey sup nepeta
TG: see youre still doin the cat thing
TG: thats cool
TG: im just working on my comic so im a bit preoccupied
TG: purreoccupied?
TG: fuck it i cant do puns
AC: :33 < that was actually really good! :oo
AC: :33 < i didnt know you liked to draw too
AC: :33 < you shouldve told me!
TG: oh hell yeah im an artistic genius
TG: got this sweet-ass webcomic
TG: sweet bro and hella jeff
TG: idk if you know about it because aliens but yeah
TG: heres a link
TG: sweetbroandhellajeff.com
AC: :33 < hmmmmmmmmmm
AC: :33 < thats a purretty silly comic dave
AC: :33 < pawsitively ridiculous in fact!
AC: :33 < ooh, know what would be really fun?
TG: what
AC: :33 < we could purroduce a comic togefur!
TG: oh shit yes
TG: finally a use for my awesome fursona
TG: pawsome even
TG: his names Akwete Purrmusk hes great
AC: :oo < i didnt know you had a fursona!
TG: yeah i do
TG: i have like five million followers on furaffinity im kind of a big deal
AC: :33 < what
TG: never mind
TG: anyway got any ideas for this comic
TG: maybe akwete and pounce could yiff
TG: then theres the shocking revelation that pounce is pregnant
TG: sues akwete for child support
TG: but akwetes all hell no those aint my kittens
AC: :33 < but in the end it all works out and they become matespurrits, right?
TG: well duh
TG: theres gotta be a happy ending for these precious furries
TG: thats important as fuck
TG: but idk if we should only have two characters that seems a little sparse
for what were going for here
AC: :33 < oh definitely!
AC: :33 < furtunately i have a lot of ocs
AC: :33 < and maybe i can convince vwhiskers to let me borrow her spidersona…
AC: :33 < id make her the bad guy though >:33
TG: harsh
TG: also who the fuck is vwhiskers thats not six letters
TG: dont all of you weird aliens have six letter names or something
AC: :33 < h33 h33, yes we do!
AC: :33 < her real name is vriska but i like to call her vwhiskers
AC: :33 < just like how karkat is karcat but thats also six letters so it
purrobably doesnt count in your book
TG: nah it counts
AC: :33 < so maybe her spidersona tries to get in the way of akwete and pounces
love!
AC: :33 < but their love is so purr and true that everything works out fine in
the end :33
TG: purr
AC: :33 < oh, pure, sorry!
AC: :33 < that was kind of a stupid pun sorry
TG: nah ive seen worse
TG: so do any of your other friends have any killer fursonas i can borrow
TG: i could probably hit jade up
TG: shed probably be cool with me using mr coxcomb
TG: hes a dashing gentleman
TG: definitely one of the good guys
AC: :33 < i wonder if fefurry has a fishsona! i should go ask her, brb
TG: k
AC: :33 < sadly she does not :((
AC: :33 < but she said she cant wait to see our comic come to furruition! :33
TG: aw hell yeah
TG: gonna be the best comic ever
TG: theres gonna be so many teenagers painting themselves weird colors and like
making fursuits and shit and showing up at conventions
TG: move over problem sleuth
TG: theres a new comic team in town
***** Coming Out *****
Chapter Summary
     "Remember Rose's terrible coming out party, where the hostess was
     hammered, most of the guests didn't understand why any of this was a
     big deal, and Kanaya felt very strange about the whole affair?"
“Rose,” Kanaya whispered, “are you sure this is a good idea?”
 
“R’lax, Kananners! ‘S a great idea. I just need to--HIC!--tell ‘em. ‘S
important.”
 
Kanaya wasn’t so sure about this. What was so weird about her being attracted
to women, anyway? Wasn’t everyone?
 
Then again, given that Kanaya had never met another monosexual member of her
own species, she couldn’t help but wonder.
 
Either way, here she was, in the biggest room on the meteor, setting out
plastic chairs for Rose’s “coming out party.” (Coming out of what? The door
into the room? Kanaya would never understand human slang, she didn’t think.)
 
“Atten...attention!” Rose shouted, walking unsteadily into the room.
 
“Rose, no one has even arrived yet.”
 
“They’re gonna be here sssssoon,” she slurred. And she was right--her shouting
had attracted their comrades, none of whom had the slightest clue what was
going on.
 
“‘Ey, Dave,” Rose laughed. “I’ve got somethin’ really great to tell you. An’
ev’ryone else, too. So alla you should...sit down. ‘Cause it’s a big….a
big...thing.”
 
Kanaya had never experienced more secondhand embarrassment in her life--and
coming from someone who had been friends with Karkat for sweeps, that was
saying quite a lot. Looking over the crowd, such as it could be called, she
could tell they felt the same.
 
Rose pulled the microphone (seriously, where did she find that?) from her
sylladex, tapping it, and began to talk.
 
“‘Kay, dearly be...belo...friends. We are gathered here togay…”

Rose burst out laughing. “Oh my god, that was the worst...fuck, what was that
psychology guy called again...fuck it, the worst word boner I’ve ever popped.
But yeahhh.” She dropped the mic, letting it fall to the floor with a clatter,
and pointed at herself.
 
“Who has two thumbs and is gay?” she shouted.
 
A silence, broken only by Kanaya’s palm hitting her own face.
 
“...Lalonde,” Karkat finally said, “this is the fifth time you’ve told us. And
you STILL haven’t explained why the fuck it’s so important!”
“Wellll...’s important ‘cause…”
 
And with that, Rose fell over, landing in Kanaya’s arms.
 
“‘Ey, cutie,” she said.
 
Oh, Rose, Kanaya thought, what am I going to do with you?
 
The only sound was Dave giving a standing ovation.
 
---
 
“So I never did explain things,” Rose told Kanaya months down the line, after
the game ended.
 
“Which things did you fail to explain?”
 
“The whole gay thing.”
 
“Well,” Kanaya said, “as it happens, Dave was kind enough to clarify. Is it
true that homosexuals live exclusively in closets, only coming out to explain
their orientation to others?”

“...I think,” Rose sighed, “that I can explain things better than that.”
***** Becoming A Woman *****
Chapter Summary
     "Remember Jane's Quinceañera?"
***** Hackers *****
Chapter Summary
     "Remember that time Sollux and Roxy had a hack off and ended up both
     getting arrested and spending the night in jail together?"
 
It had started, like so many bad decisions that lead to people being arrested,
with a bet. In this case, a bet from your on-again, off-again girlfriend.
 
(At the time, the two of you were on-again.)
 
“Heyyyy, Solly,” she’d drawled to you over video chat. “We should see who can
hack into the local police station’s database fastest.”
 
You just stared. Roxy was a damn smart girl, but this was the single dumbest
idea you’d ever heard. And yet somehow...somehow, it was enticing.
 
Besides, she had you wrapped around her little finger right now. It's hard not
to say yes to a cute girl in frilly pink lingerie.
 
“What does the winner receive?” you asked, after a long, pregnant pause.
 
“How ‘bout...we each pool in twenty bucks. An’ the winner takes all.”
 
“Make it twenty-two and I’m in.”
 
She shakes her head. “You an’ your twos. Fine.”
 
“...So do we start now?”
 
“Hell yeah, motherfucker!”
 
---
 
TG: heyyyyyy guess waht
TG: *what
TA: what.
TG: guess who just figured out
TG: all the cops top secrets
TG: all of them
TG: (spoipers: its me)
TA: goddammiit.
TA: okay, ii’ll giive you the money next tiime ii 2ee you.
TA: ii wa2n’t puttiing iin that much effort anyway two be hone2t.
TA: becau2e the whole thiing 2eemed really retarded two me.
TG: um
TG: yeah bout that
TG: i guess it kidna was?
TG: *kina
TG: *fuck it
TG: cause now the police are at my doorr :(
TG: and i think ima need u 2 use that momey for the porposes of bailin my fine
booty out of jail
TG: *buncha typos
TA: 2ee rx, thii2 ii2 why you 2hould never come up wiith plan2 whiile drunk.
TA: ii’ve told you thii2 2o many tiime2.
TG: yeah but
TG: u still went along with it
TG: ur in for the long haul B)
TG: shit theyre breakin down the door
TG: bbl
TA: ...ii am 2o breakiing up wiith you.
[TG has logged off!]
TA: fuck.
 
---
 
“So, Mr. Captor.”
 
“What do you want?”
“You tried to hack into the police databases, correct?”
 
“Yeah, but first off, I didn’t succeed, and it was RX’s idea anyway, so…”
 
The cop--T. Pyrope, according to the badge--stared at you. At least, you think
she was staring.
 
“Even the accomplice gets in trouble,” she said with a grin, right before
bursting into laughter.
 
“Was that a fucking Law 4 Kids reference?”
 
The only response you got was a pair of cold metal handcuffs slapped on your
wrists. That, and a snort from the cute blonde girl sitting in the back of the
police car.
 
“Goddammit, Roxy.”
 
***** Art Therapy *****
Chapter Summary
     DamaraTavros
     Flink (Norwegian): Being good at something; able; good; skilled
Your name is Damara Megido, and you’re in the middle of a painting.

Painting, art in general, takes the pain away. Whether you’re looking at it or
creating it (oh, but especially when you’re creating it), there’s something
soothing about it.

God knows you need that much.

You’ll have to thank the all-too-aptly-named Ms. Paint eventually. She’s the
12th grade art teacher, one of the few people you trust anymore and the closest
thing you have to a (much-needed) therapist. Rufioh’s infidelity, Meenah’s
bullying, your shitty home life, it all took such a toll on you.

For a long time, you took to self-harm. There are still scars on your arms from
stubbing out cigarettes on your skin and slashing at it with an exacto knife,
and when she noticed them, Ms. Paint grew worried.

But you couldn’t see the school counselor. It was out of the question--he’s
your father, after all, the one who seems to take joy in making your life hell,
and despite your numerous complaints, the school refuses to fire the bastard.
Tenure and all that.

So she advised you to take up art as a form of therapy. She even lets you hang
out in the art room after school, protocol be damned.

You’re always alone in there, save for Ms. Paint. You like it like that.

And then one day you aren’t.

“Hey, uh, I left my backpack in here, and...who are you?”

Ms. Paint is introducing you to him before you can say anything, and it hits
you as she speaks that it’s Tavros Nitram. Your ex-boyfriend’s little brother,
with his prosthetic legs and braces and stutter, maybe the only kid at Skaia
High more despised than you. Your own sister is one of his only friends, and
that Vriska girl has a reputation for tormenting the kid.

Part of you hates him for being related to Rufioh. Most of you feels kind of
bad for him.

“Oh, so you’re Damara, then? I’m Tavros.”

You blush. “Yeah.”

He walks on over, and looks at the canvas you’ve been slathering in acrylics
for a long, silent moment.

“You’re really good at, uh, painting,” he comments, and you don’t believe him--
when people compliment you they never mean it.

“Seriously. I wish I could make things that pretty.”

But he seems so earnest, almost incapable of lying. You smile weakly, then turn
your attention back to the painting. 

“Is...is it okay if I, uh, watch you paint?”

You’re a bit taken aback, but you find yourself nodding before you can really
think about it, and he sits down on the stool next to yours, watching in rapt
attention.

“...Maybe I’ll teach you,” you finally say. “We can be friends.”

He grins.

“I’d really like that.”
***** Falling Out *****
Chapter Summary
     Eridan/Feferi
     花残月缺, hua can yue que (Chinese): Lit. 'the flowers wither, the moon
     is lacking'. Something that was once beautiful, falling out of love.
Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you are in love with Feferi Peixes.

You love the way she laughs when you tell a corny joke. You love her long silky
hair. You love her bright eyes, how her grey irises are just beginning to
speckle with fuchsia. You love her soft, curvy figure. You love everything
about her and you’d listen to her inane babbling about equality and dismantling
the hemospectrum for a lifetime if it meant you could have a chance with her.

When she asks if you’ll be her moirail, you accept. It’s not what you want, but
it’ll do.

After all, you’ve heard plenty of stories about fine young lads and lasses
working their way from moirallegiance to matespritship. Who’s to say it can’t
happen to you?

So you listen. You listen to her silly, foolish plans for the kingdom, and you
almost find yourself agreeing, just because they’re her plans, and she is
perfect.

You spend many a day lying awake in your recuperacoon, fantasizing about
touching her soft body, about kissing her, about fucking her. You fantasize
about her becoming empress and you being her loyal matesprit and second-in-
command.

You fantasize about her.

-

Your name is Eridan Ampora, and you are crushed. Crushed beyond repair.

Just friends? Not even moirails anymore, much less matesprits--how does she
expect you to settle for that? How are you supposed to settle for that, when
you did so much for her--not just as her moirail, but as one of her future
subjects? 

How are you supposed to settle for that when you see her making matingblock
eyes at that fucking pissblood Captor? How are you supposed to settle
for anything when you see them walking hand-in-hand through the halls, when you
can hear them fucking in the block next to yours when you’re trying to sleep?

You begin noticing things about Feferi, too, things about her that you’d never
noticed before. She’s so heavyset, and when she gets really upset she sobs like
a wiggler, and she can just be such a bitch. Hell, her breaking up with you
should’ve set off alarms in regards to that.

But you still ask her to join you, to join Jack Noir. It’s a gesture of
desperation, yes. Because part of you does still love her, you think.

And when you watch the life fade from her eyes after you shoot her through the
stomach, you feel those last bits of love fade with it.
***** The Storm Of The Century *****
Chapter Summary
     Karkat♥Terezi
     Vedriti (Slovene)
     To take shelter from the rain and wait for it to finish so you can go
     on your way.
They’re calling it the storm of the century, and you’re inclined to agree.
 
Normally, you don’t go into coffee shops. (You’re not big on coffee in general,
at least not on its own. The concept of drinking black coffee is nearly foreign
to you.) But it’s absolutely pissing rain and it’s so windy that your cane
threatens to fly out of your hand, and so you duck into the nearest shop,
accepting that you’re just going to have to call your instructor and ask for a
recording of the lecture. Or notes in Braille, at least, but you highly doubt
that would be feasible.
 
And your every sense--your piss-poor eyesight and your highly developed sense
of smell most of all--tells you that you’ve made your way into a hipsteriffic
little coffee shop. The warmth is such a relief, and you tap your way up to the
register (there’s no line; either this place sucks, or it’s a hidden gem) and
order a caramel macchiato and a pumpkin scone from a woman who speaks slowly
and carefully.
 
“I’m blind, not deaf,” you spit.
 
“I do not recall implying you could not hear me.”
 
“You’re talking like I can’t!”
 
“This is simply my usual voice. I apologize if that offends you somehow.”
 
You sit down to wait for your drink, the door flies open, and someone walks in.
 
“Kanaya, I’ll have my usual,” he shouts, and you recognize him immediately,
from his voice alone. Karkat Vantas, your high school friend and former crush.
He must be visiting his family or something, you figure. After all, you’re
pretty sure he lives in New York now.
 
And as Kanaya calls your drink, he looks at you, and you can tell from his gasp
that he recognizes you too.
 
“Terezi?”
 
“Last time I checked. What’re you doing here?”
 
“Visiting relatives,” he grumbles. Just as you’d deduced--ah, yes, you will be
a fantastic lawyer with skills like that. “Needed to get away from Kankri’s
goddamn preaching, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so wet. Hey, wanna get
caught up? I’m kind of dying of boredom here.”
 
You take your drink, and your lips curl into a grin. “Of course, Mister Cherry
Red Hair Dye!”
 
“Fuck you, it’s a fashion statement.” You laugh. “It is! It’s just like your
stupid fucking dragon hoodie. I can’t believe you still wear that.”
 
“So you’re saying I’d look better with it off?” you ask, waggling your
eyebrows.
 
“...Maybe.”

You think maybe this storm isn’t turning out to be such a bad thing.
***** Missing *****
Chapter Summary
     Calliope/Roxy
     Tu me manques (French) - a way of saying "I miss you" but literally
     meaning "you are missing from me" as in "you are a part of me that is
     missing." It's generally used for people whom you're really close to
     or love very much and its connotation is that it describes the soul-
     aching feeling of emptiness when you miss someone.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering uranianUmbra [UU]
 
TG: callie
TG: caaaaaaaaalliiiiieeeeee
TG: calliope
TG: where the eff r u
TG: i miss chattin w/ u so fuckin much
TG: pls tell me ur asshole bro didnt get to u
TG: ugh i hate that fucker so much
TG: like i dont think ive even talked to him?
TG: i think only dirk has
TG: but SHIT
TG: fuck that guy so hard
TG: up the ass with a cactus
TG: i just wanted 2 tell u
TG: i havent had a drink in a month now
TG: idk how long that is in cherub time
TG: but its p cool
TG: i mean ive had DRINKS
TG: like water and shit
TG: aint gonna die of dehydration here
TG: but i mean
TG: im off the sauce
TG: havent touched a single alcoholic thing in a month
TG: i just thought ud b rly proud of me if u knew :(
TG: i know it probs made u really fuckin sad when you had to deal w/ me bein
drunk off my ass
TG: it made my other friends sad
TG: tbh thats mostly why i quit
TG: for you and janey and dirk and jake and fefeta
TG: omg did i ever tell u about fefeta??
TG: shes my dear sweet precious sprite and shes perf and i love her
TG: she helped me with the drinkin thing a lot
TG: shes a good friend
TG: like almost as good a friend as u r
TG: cant say were
TG: jake says that if i believe hard enough maybe ill hear from u again
TG: probs bullshit but i can try
TG: its just
TG: okay
TG: im no language expert person
TG: im not even gonna make a lame pun about how i’m a cunning linguist bc thatd
be stupid
TG: but janey kinda is
TG: she told me that in french they say “you are missing from me” instead of “i
miss you” when you really super uber ULTRA miss a person
TG: (french is one of our earth human languages btw)
TG: or was i guess? fuck it
TG: anyway
TG: thats how i feel bout u
TG: ur like a part of me and its hella painful that youre gone
TG: i just wanted to tell u all that
TG: that i quit drinking and fefeta is great and mostly that i miss you and i
hate ur douchetastic bro for maybe hurtin u
TG: and i love you so so sooooo much
TG: so i guess thats it
TG: catch u on the flip side calliope
TG: i hope you respond someday
TG: ill wait
TG: …
TG: im gonna stay online but man ive gotta close this damn window
TG: its making me sad :(
TG: bye callie
TG: no not bye
TG: too final-like
TG: seeya
TG: <3 <3 <3

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering uranianUmbra [UU]
***** Hella Duende *****
Chapter Summary
     Dave/Rose
     Duende, Spanish. Literally means something along the lines of "magic"
     or "charm." Used figuratively to define a moment of high emotion or
     inspiration, usually in response to a piece of art or beautiful
     action.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Your ectobiological brother has been rambling for a good hour now about the
firstComplacency Of The Learned book--your masterpiece--and just how much it
upset him, and you’re not sure whether to be flattered or annoyed.
 
You think you’ll settle for both.
 
“Seriously, Rose, killing Zazzerpan? That was not cool. That was fucked up and
I have literally never been more upset in my life.”
 
“Do you actually mean literally, or do you mean figuratively? It’s hard to tell
with you sometimes, brother dearest.”
 
“Don’t fucking call me that, Lalonde. And like, Bro dying was shitty as fuck,
but Zazzerpan? I fucking cried.”
 
He pauses. “Manly tears, obviously,” he adds. “Because I’m a grown-ass man.”
 
“You’re seventeen. And there’s actually a word for what you are currently
experiencing,” you note. You can’t help it--you love flexing your linguistic
muscles whenever possible. It’s a habit you never did grow out of.
 
(Kanaya’s influence hasn’t helped, but that’s beside the point.)
 
“Jesus dick, you don’t need to teach me more words. Is this more bullshit
psychobabble?”
 
“I used it at least once in the book. Remember when Frigglish referred to
Calmasis’ spellcraft as ‘having duende?’”
 
“I don’t, because I make a point of not remembering the weird made-up words you
put in your books, but okay.”
 
“Of course. But it’s not made up. It’s Spanish. English is not the only
language there is, Strider.”
 
“Whatever. So what the fuck is dwen-day or whatever?”
 
“Art, or really any form of beauty, that evokes heightened emotional response.
I figured you’d have figured it out from context.”
 
“Well then,” Dave says after a long pause, “your book? Your book is packin’
hella duende.”
 
It’s the highest compliment you’ve ever received from him, but you can’t let
him know that.
 
Instead, you respond, “Did you seriously say ‘hella’?”
 
“Don’t even hate.”
 
“It made me think of your work. I wept when they dropped the nanchos, Dave.”
(You can’t keep a straight face saying that. You try anyway.)
 
“Let’s put that as a testimonial for the first Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff movie,”
Dave muses. “‘I wept when they dropped the nanchos,’ raves Rose Lalonde, AKA
Dave Strider’s sister.”
 
“I expect a cut of the royalties.”
 
“Duh. You know, I based the beautiful wonan off of you. Before you were, like,
my sister or anything.”
 
“Are you implying that incest remains a taboo in the glorious universe of Sweet
Bro And Hella Jeff?”
 
“Nah. Just that I used to pop boners every time we’d talk on webcam and was
briefly disappointed when you confided to me that you thought you might be
gay.”
 
You grimace. “I really did not need to know that.”
 
“Well, now you do.”
 
“I presume these incestuous feelings are gone by now?”
 
He lays a hand on your shoulder.

“Rose, once you pop a boner for your sister, you never go back.”
Chapter End Notes
     For the record, duende is one of my favorite words in any language.
     Just sayin'. :)
***** Make Him Pay *****
Chapter Summary
     Past!Damara <3 Rufioh, Damara & Rufioh
     悪因悪果, akuin akka, (Japanese) Literally: Evil cause, evil effect.
     Meaning: You reap what you sow.
Damara’s first thought upon finding out was that it was her fault.
 
Rufioh would find her lying nude in a bloody ablution trap, long gashes carved
from her elbows to her palms, semi-conscious, and all she could do as he
bandaged her self-inflicted wounds was mutter a quiet apology in stilted West
Beforan--she’d been trying so hard to learn, to impress him, but her accent was
still so thick and she couldn’t wrap her head around all the grammatical rules.
Was that why he’d chosen Horuss over her, she wondered?
 
Was she not smart enough?
 
Was she not pretty enough?
 
Was she not a good enough sexual partner?
 
For the first few perigees of her recovery, she could barely feel her hands.
Eventually some sensation returned, but her wrists--particularly her left one,
her dominant hand--suffered permanent nerve damage. It was so long before she
could even hold her wands properly again, much less a pen or pencil. Hell, even
typing had become difficult.
 
Given the influx of messages she’d received ever since trying to kill herself
(she’d barely left her hive, much less her land--she didn’t want to risk
running into Rufioh), this was a problem.
 
CC: M-EGIDO
CC: get your lazy coddamn ass out of your hive for once
CC: cod maybe it woulda been better if youd just managed to krill yourshellf
properly
CC: propearly?
CC: fuck it
CC: no wonder nitram left you
 
As the words flashed on her husktop’s screen, she managed to peck out a
response, even as her eyes blurred with tears.
 
AA: GO AWAY.
AA: I NOT WANT TALK TO YOU.
CC: sea T)(IS is what i mean
CC: you aint been willin to talk to nomoby
CC: cant even undersand you when you do talk though so maybe thats just as
whale
AA: I HATE YOU.
AA: YOU BEHIND THIS. YES?
CC: nah im not behind ruf fuckin the horse guy
CC: maybe he just left you because youre a shitty person
AA: NO.
AA: HE SAY HE LOVE ME.
CC: )(-E LI-ED
CC: cod get it through your thick skull
CC: he never loved you
CC: how the fuck could he
 
-
 
To say she grew bitter was an understatement.
 
Rufioh had barely spoken to her or even messaged her since the incident.
Neither had anyone else, for that matter. The only exception was Meenah, and
that was solely to rub things in her face.
 
She couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t stand any of it. How could she have been so
gullible, so naive? How thefuck had she been so blind as to not see that he
didn’t love her?
 
There was no doubt in her mind anymore. None of them cared about her, and she
had no reason to care about them either.
 
Damara gripped her wands in her weak, half-numb hands. She would show them, all
of them, but especially him.

She would make him pay.
***** Shipping Wall *****
Chapter Summary
     Nepeta/Sollux
     "Buonanotte al secchio," Italian for "goodnight to the bucket." It
     rounds out to "and that's that," or to be done with something.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
 
TA: hey np.
TA: ii need your help on 2omethiing.
AC: :33 < *ac looks up from her very important painting of her and her
meowrail, hissing slightly at the inpurruption!*
TA: ehehe, ii 2ee youre bu2y then.
TA: iit2 ju2t that ii need adviice.
TA: on my quadrant2.
AC: :33 < well why didnt you say so???
AC: :33 < i would pawsitively love to help with that!
AC: :33 < *ac puts her lovely painting aside and turns her attention to her
shipping wall*
TA: yeah, kk wa2 telliing me youre 2urprii2iingly good at fiiguriing out who
end2 up wiith who.
TA: whiich ii gue22 make2 2en2e 2iince you and eq are liike the only 2table and
happy quadrantmate2 on the fuckiing planet, but whatever.
AC: :33 < h33 h33, im sure were not the ONLY ones, but okay!
AC: :33 < so you want my opinion on who you should date?
TA: yeah.
TA: 2ee, ii kiind of have a thiing for aa. a flu2hed thiing.
AC: :33 < oh noooooo :((
TA: what.
AC: :33 < nothing, its just that equius kind of does too and hed purrobably be
purretty upset if he found out she was dating someone else!
TA: well that2 hii2 problem.
TA: ii ju2t want to know iif you thiink iitd work out.
AC: :33 < you would be pawsitively adorable together!
AC: :33 < im just a bit biased i suppaws, h33 h33
TA: yeah no 2hiit.
AC: :33 < you and fefurry would make a purretty cute couple too, have you
thought about courting her?
AC: :33 < although im not sure if the empurress to be is allowed to date a
landdweller :((
AC: :33 < seadwellers are so picky!
TA: well ii wa2nt planniing on a2kiing her out anyway, but thanks.
AC: :33 < actually i could just send you my file of shipping notes...
AC: :33 < after all theres more to romance than just the flushed quadrant!
AC: :33 < i mean i mostly deal in that and pale but still!
TA: 2ure, why not.
[AC sent the file "pawlluxships.doc" to TA]
TA: goddamn, np.
TA: iim hone2tly kiind of iimpre22ed by your dediicatiion here.
TA: 2o you thiink tz and ii would make good moiiraiils?
TA: ii gue22 ii can 2ee that.
AC: :33 < h33 h33, that one s33ms purretty obvious to me! :33
TA: youre actually good at thii2, damn.
TA: kk wa2 riight.
AC: :33 < so thats that?
TA: yeah ii 2uppo2e 2o.
AC: :00 < oh!
AC: :33 < i do have one t33nsy little request
AC: :33 < can you tell karcat that i really appurreciate him recommending my
services?
TA: ehehe, 2ure thiing.
TA: later, np.
AC: :33 < s33ya!

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
***** Hangover *****
Chapter Summary
     Cronus/Roxy/Eridan/Rose
     Zapoi (Russian)
     Two or more days of drunkenness usually involving a journey or waking
     up in an unexpected place.
***** Lemon-Stealing Whores *****
Chapter Summary
     Jade♠Vriska
     AU where Jade grows prize lemon trees and Vriska is a wily lemon
     thief.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“Boy, I sure do love our lemon tree!”

Jade Harley, award-winning lemon-grower and owner-slash-cultivator of the most
beautiful lemon tree in all the land, smiled broadly, her buck teeth showing.
Her faithful dog Becquerel stood at her side, and together, they stared at the
beautiful lemons and the tree on which they grew.

“Bark,” said Bec.

“I just hope none of those whores come to steal our lemons,” Jade mused. “I
mean, this neighborhood does have a bit of a lemon whore problem. Fuck those
lemon-stealing whores!”

Jade had no clue that she would soon encounter one of those awful, terrible
lemon-stealing whores. Very soon, in fact.

Bec whined, and Jade gave him a loving pat on the head. “Wow, it’s been at
least ten seconds since I looked at our lemon tree,” she noted. But as she
turned her head towards the tree, she saw...her.

Vriska Serket, renowned lemon-stealing whore and kingpin (queenpin?) of the
local underground lemon market, was plucking lemons from the tree and shoving
them into her fishnet bodysuit.

“GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, YOU LEMON-STEALING WHORE!” Jade shouted, grabbing her
by the hair. “I didn’t give you permission to take those lemons! Give them
back!”

“Maaaaaaaake me,” Vriska taunted.

“Oh, I’ll make you,” Jade growled, as her free hand moved towards Vriska’s
breast, causing the lemon whore to moan. Vriska dropped the lemon she’d been
holding, and it rolled towards Bec, who promptly began burying it, as dogs are
wont to do.

“I’ll make you,” Jade repeated. “With sex.”

The lemon gardener pulled the whore into a kiss, biting at her lower lip.
Vriska, for her part, immediately gave in, because this entire story operates
on porno logic. (Although in fact, that had been Vriska’s plan all along--to
take Jade’s virginity. The wonderful lemons were just a happy bonus.)

Jade ripped off Vriska’s bodysuit--which, considering the material, wasn’t much
of a feat. With her free hand, she removed her skirt and Squiddle-print
panties.

“Now, Miss Lemon-Stealing Whore,” Jade hissed. “This is the part where you eat
me out.”

“Wait,” Vriska interrupted. “So I don’t get anything out of--MMPH!” Jade pushed
the whore’s head into her lady bits, smirking.

“Bitch, that’s what you get for stealing my lemons.”

Vriska began licking at Jade’s clit, but she only did figure eights, because
she’s Vriska. “Vary it up a bit, fuckass!” Jade ordered, smashing her cunt
against Vriska’s face.

She complied, and Jade shuddered in orgasm. Of course, Vriska passed out
shortly thereafter from being smothered by Jade’s pussy, but given her crimes
against horticulture, Jade didn’t really give a fuck.

She had discovered something new that day. Something shocking.

Sex, she discovered, was even better than lemons.
Chapter End Notes
     this is based on an actual porno.
     seriously.
***** Weakquius *****
Chapter Summary
     EquiusNepeta
     AU where Equius is WEAK.
 
***** Gothstuck *****
Chapter Summary
     Rose/Aradia/Kanaya
     Teenage goth girls Rose and Aradia are fascinated by anything witchy,
     ghosty, occulty or otherwise supernatural, so imagine their interest
     and joy when they start suspecting that a Very Real Vampire is living
     next door.
***** Art School Blues *****
Chapter Summary
     Kanaya<3Vriska
     Art school AU. Kanaya is a fashion major, Vriska's in game
     development/animation. Vriska is the reluctant but beautiful model
     for a project.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“Ugh, do I have to model for you tonight, Kanaaaaaaaaya?”

Kanaya Maryam, fashion major and straight-A student, glanced over at her
girlfriend--Vriska Serket, game design major, professional slacker, and (if
Kanaya was honest with herself) her muse. 

“Yes, you absolutely do. I have to submit five photographs of the dress I
created--the one, I might add, that is tailored to fit your exact measurements-
-by Friday. And it’s Wednesday now, so I haven’t very long. The dress took
longer than anticipated, and--”

“Oh my God, Maryam!” Vriska threw her hands up in the air, swiveling around in
her chair. “I have, like, a fuckton of work to do on my 3D modeling project,
okay? I’ve been soooooooo busy, I’ve barely even started the damn thing!”

“Vriska, you have spent the past few weeks partying and playing League of
Legends. That hardly qualifies as an excuse for not having finished your
project.”

Vriska huffed, blowing a strand of blue hair out of her face. “It’s
not my fault that Maya is a fucking bitch of a program.”

“It is your fault that you haven’t bothered to seek tutoring or any other form
of assistance.”

“...Fine. Whatever. Where’s the fucking dress so we can get this little fashion
show on the road?”

-

Vriska had to admit, it was a lovely dress. Not something she’d normally wear,
but she had to at least admire her girlfriend’s vision and craftsmanship.

“I used a cerulean chiffon for the skirt, and a sort of navy satin for the
bodice, with teal lace...”

“Cerulean? Navy? Teal? You’re so fucking pretentious, Kanaya. It’s fucking
blue.”

Kanaya facepalmed.

“Just get in the dress.”

Muttering a variety of unrepeatable words under her breath, Vriska stepped into
the dress, allowing Kanaya to zip her up (“Fuck back zippers!”, she
complained). She even slipped her feet into the blue (cornflower, Kanaya would
no doubt insist) high heels Kanaya had purchased to go with the outfit--
a perfect size 8, and surprisingly comfortable.

Actually, the whole outfit was fairly comfortable. And when Vriska caught a
glimpse of herself in Kanaya’s full-length mirror, she gasped.

She wasn’t normally one for fashion, but damn. It flattered her figure--slender
and a bit androgynous--perfectly, and even managed to make her look like she
was actually the proud owner of a pair of actual tits.

“I have never felt so sexy in my life,” she stammered.

“Well,” Kanaya replied with a smirk, “maybe once you’re done posing for me, I
can make you feel even sexier. I’m sure that dress would look even better on
the floor.”

“God, Kanaya, when did you get so smooth?”

Kanaya simply laughed.
Chapter End Notes
     i actually went to art school for a while so i really hope i captured
     the sheer agony of being an art student
***** sweet bro and hello jeff in………………...CRIMANAL MINDS AND BEHAIVOR *****
Chapter Summary
     sweet bro/hella jeff
     correctional officers in a prison
Chapter Notes
     I HAVE NO REGRETS
it was a TUESDAY and sweet bro and hella jeff where at there job working at GAY
BABBY JAIL
“god DAMN” sweat bro said “these criminils are TRASH”
 
helpful jeff noded in agreemant. “i cannot fucking BELIEVE what that doushe has
DONE” he sade pointign at a FAT NASTY TRASH in the sell they were standing next
too


(the fat naste trash wass there because he sold HEROINE…………………..)




“ANYWAY” halal jeff added “this jorb is SO LAME and im BOARD……..we shuld hav
HOT SEX to passe the TIME..”
“bro that IS SO GAY and your a FAGOT” sheet bro exclammed
 
but hell jeff just wispered “its not gaey if its in a……………...THR3E WAY”





suddenly bros HOT MOM appared and brow and jef both god BONNERS



they where ROCK DUCKING SOLID also bros mom was nakked and had a relly nice
body with big bobs and evrything……….and a HOT AS




swet bro though the threeway was an EXELENT idea and gave hola jeff a FIST BUNP
becose they were BESR FRENDS who were also a little bit gay mabey but then
jeoff sad “no homoe” and it stoped being gay………


bro tour off his paints and JEFF did the sam
“WOW bro yuo have a GREAT COKE” bro noted
 
“i kno” jeff replayed “but youres is EVEN GRATER”




sweet bore put his DIKE in hella jefreys BUTTHOLE and holla jeff put his
BOENHER in moms ass too
“shit. this is like a fuckin CONGA LINE” (that was sweet broa by the way)
“hell yea” hecka jeff sed “but we need some SICK JAMS to have are conga lien”




thats wen the newd frend…………………...GEROMY apeared with a bomb box and played
mombo numbe five and the MOCKARENA



it was SO SEXE taht brose dick exploded and the HOLE JAIL was filled with
seamen
 
and they made mom SQUART so that was also their two
“jesus dick.” jeff laffed “where gonna fuckin DYE hear……..”



but then a HUGE ELELEPHANT bust thru the prinson gaytes and sucked up al the
fluids with its WIERD NOSE




“wow thanks elefant”
“yeh that was a MAJOR bro moev”



butt gae baby jail………..was never the same………………………………….







becase they QUITE there jobs on accunt of it beeing 2 HTO 2 HANDEL













(they work at a gas staton now and their still super homo)



THE NED………...OR IS IT????????????????????????????//
***** Destroy The Past *****
Chapter Summary
     Damara&Meenah
     You already changed the past:
     Someone goes back in time to discover that the "changes" they're
     making to the past were what "already" happened anyway. A self-
     correcting, deterministic universe apparently thwarts any changes to
     the future which would deter them from going back in the first place.
Your name is Damara Megido, and you can fix this. You can go back, you can stop
Rufioh from leaving you and get Meenah to leave you alone andyou can fix this.

>REVERSE

You are barely in the game, but you are the same you that you were--are?--in
the future, armed with all the knowledge that entails.

You’re still a scared young girl. You haven’t grown bitter, not yet. You won’t
for a while. 

You don’t know you will. You don’t think you will.

Social skills have never been your forte, so you simply pull out your phone
and--

“Hey, Megidork.”

You turn around, and there she is. Meenah Peixes, your tormentor, the thorn in
your side.

“Go away,” you say slowly, trying your best to suppress your accent. “I not
want. Talk to you.”

“Oh my COD, Megido, you sound horibubble. But what else is new? You really need
to work on how to talk good, no one can undersand a coddamn word ya say.”

“Rufioh can.”

Meenah laughs, a hysterical cackle. “You still think he gives a shit, don’t
you?”

“He love me. He say so. Why he lie about that? I...I trust him.”

“Girl, you don’t know jack shit about what he’s been doing.”

You freeze.

It’s already begun.

>REVERSE

You’re in Rufioh’s hive now. It’s a small, humble place, full of troll anime
merch and DVDs, and it smells like him and you relax, because you are safe
here.

“Hey, doll.”

“Hello, Rufioh.” You smile broadly. “I come here to surprise you. I...I getting
better at West Beforan! You very good teacher. I want to show off.” You look
down at your shoes. “I sorry if that sound...what the word? Conceited?”

He grins. “You’re doing great...you’re a good student!”

You hug him and feel so safe in his arms, so happy, like nothing will ever be
wrong again. That is, until you hear a thundering knock on the door.

You know it’s Horuss. Only he could knock that hard. 

“What Horuss doing here?” you ask, playing dumb. “I kind of scared of him.”

“Oh...we were just gonna hang out today, doll. Can’t really cancel...he’d get
so upset!”

“He not your matesprit,” you say.

But you know better.

It’s already begun.

You can’t change this. You’ve been too clingy, too weak. All you can change is
yourself.

>GO FORWARD

“Meenah.”

Meenah turns heel, and laughs. “What do you want, beach?”

You look up at her with a hardened expression. You won’t take her shit anymore.

“I know what you do,” you begin. “You bully me. You help get Rufioh to fuck
horse guy. You ruin my life.” 

Your fists clench. “I not gonna take this anymore,” you continue. “I try change
things. It not work. So I change me instead.”

Punching her is the most satisfying thing you’ve ever done.
***** Suffering *****
Chapter Summary
     Aradia/Damara
     Creepy Child: Aradia looks sweet, innocent, even angelic, but there's
     something not quite right about her. She's too calm, too knowing.
     She's not really a child.
You pretty much live at the hospital these days.

It’s been three months since the accident. Your boss seems to pity you--she put
you on paid leave shortly after finding out. That much, you’re grateful for.

Today is different.

“Hey, Aradia. Happy thirteenth. I know how excited you were, so I got you a
present.” You unwrap the box yourself, pulling the contents out--an ornate
pocketwatch, engraved with a ram’s skull, that she’d been eyeing for ages. “I
know you really wanted this, so I saved up. It works, too. It works really
good.”

You sigh, touching your sister’s cold hand. “Your friends are gonna swing by
later, I think. They’ve been visiting a lot. Especially Tavros and Sollux. I
think Sollux has a crush on you, actually…”

You trail off as your gaze drifts towards her face.

Her eyes are open. She hasn’t opened them since January.

-

It’s been two weeks since she truly regained consciousness, and there’s
something wrong with her. Her voice is a quiet monotone, her face perpetually
expressionless. She barely smiles anymore; when she does, it’s faint.

This isn’t the Aradia you practically raised. That Aradia was energetic and
cheery and stubborn. This...this is just a shadow.

Her friends have all visited, of course. She’s terribly polite with them.
(She’s terribly polite with everyone these days, of course.) They’ve all
expressed frustration, sadness, anger, and when Tavros admits to her that he
misses how she used to be, you just nod in agreement.

-

She doesn’t get better.

You realize she never will around Halloween. It had always been her favorite
holiday, but she can’t muster up the slightest bit of enthusiasm. You’re not
sure if she’s trying or not.

You’re not sure which would be sadder.

She scares you, more than any horror movie monster or vengeful spirit or
drunken, angry mother ever could, and you can tell everyone else feels the
same, that the emptiness in her eyes sends shivers down the spines of everyone
who sees her. It’s like the accident took away her soul.

And you can’t handle that. You can’t handle Aradia--the one person you still
care for in the world, the one member of your family you still love--being like
this.

When you see her sitting primly on the couch, watching what was once her
favorite comedy without a hint of a smile, you make up your mind on what to do.

-

You turn yourself in the next morning.

She was surprisingly easy to kill. Maybe it was because she was asleep when you
smothered her, or because you’re bigger than she was. If she ever woke up
during your attack, she didn’t show it.

“It was a mercy killing,” you tell the police. “She was suffering.”

But in the end, that was a half-truth at best.

It was you who suffered.
***** 2SP00KY *****
Chapter Summary
     Humanstuck! Dave♥Ghostly!Karkat
     Dave Aradia
     Trope: Teenagers messing with a Ouija board on Halloween night.
     Dave buys a Ouija board and convinces Aradia that they should totes
     mess with it for shits 'n giggles, despite her protests ('cause that
     stuff will haunt you). To their surprise, their supernatural
     encounter is very interesting more so than scary...But mostly
     interesting for Dave because he is a dork.
     (NOTE: I switched Dave and Aradia's roles, with the requester's
     permission.)
“Hey, Dave, guess what I brought!”

Dave glanced up at Aradia, who was holding up a box. “It’s a ouija board!” she
continued. “I’ve had it in my closet for ages, but I haven’t used it in so
long...and it’s Halloween, so why not use it?”

“Fuck no, ‘Dia. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know what that shit does. Two
teens playing with a ouija board on Halloween night? Recipe for disaster, yo.”

Aradia pouted. “Dave, I know enough about the occult to feel totally secure in
this, okay? It’s just a parlor game from the late 1800s, it’s not actually
dangerous. Please, just humor me for once, okay?”

Dave muttered, “You’ve got me so fuckin’ whipped.”

“Does that apply to platonic relationships?”

“Totally, man. In your case, anyway.”

“Well, if it helps, you’re more like a little brother to me than anything else.
So I guess it could apply. You know, the whole older-sibling-dragging-their-
younger-sibling-into-their-schemes thing.” She grinned. “Anyway, we’re doing
this, okay?”

“Fine, whatever, but don’t blame me when things inevitably go horribly wrong.”

Aradia opened the box, setting the board and planchette down on the floor. Then
she pulled a pair of black pillar candles and a lighter from her bag, set one
candle on either side of the board, and moved to light them.

“Yo, Megido, I get that you’re all about atmosphere and shit like that, but the
rental agreement says we’re not allowed to light candles in this apartment, and
I’d really rather not get evicted. Not being homeless is great, I’d highly
recommend it.”

“I’m not homeless, I live four blocks from here.”

“Yeah, in the shittiest building in the city. There’s a reason we always hang
out at my place, y’know.”

“Just shut up and let me start this. Can you turn out the lights? Or at least
dim ‘em a bit? Maybe just leave one of those little lamps on.”

“Fine, fine. Anything for you, m’lady,” Dave replied with an exaggerated bow.
Aradia giggled.

“You’re so impossible.”

The preparations having been made, the game--if it could be called that--began.
The two friends sat on either side of the board, as per the instructions, and
Aradia moved the planchette slightly, warming it up.

“Are you sure you’re not just gonna move it yourself and spell out a bunch of
dick jokes?”

“First off, that’s something you would do, and second, shhhhh.”

And then the planchette practically jumped from beneath Aradia’s fingers,
spelling things out completely on its own.

“WHAT THE FUCK”

“Um.” Aradia paused before continuing. “Who is this?”

“WHAT THE TAINTCHAFING HELL IS GOING ON”

“‘Dia, this is freaking me the fuck out,” Dave whispered. “This shit isn’t
supposed to work.”

Aradia ignored him, asking instead, “No, really, who are you? We’re really
curious!”

“FUCK YOU SO HARD”

“Oh my God, can you just come out and tell us your name or something?” Aradia
pleaded, exasperated.

And then, out of the blue, he appeared.

A boy, around their age, with black hair, tan skin, and brown eyes. His
features were rounded, his figure short and a bit pudgy, his expression annoyed
at the very least.

“Oh shit,” Dave muttered. “He’s hot.”

“Okay, shitlords. My name is Karkat Vantas, and I am more pissed than I’ve ever
been. I was just relaxing in the afterlife and you fucking teenagers pulled me
out of that? What the fuck!”

“Oh, come on, Karkat, you can’t be much older than us!” Aradia cocked her head
to the side. “Maybe a bit younger, even. How old were you when you died?”

“Fifteen, if you absolutely must know. And since you’re clearly going to ask me
anyway, it was cancer. Leukemia. There, that’s my goddamn life story. Happy
now?”

Aradia smiled. “Yeah, actually! Thanks for visiting!”

“Wait, wait.” Dave clapped a hand over Aradia’s mouth, eliciting some muffled
protests on her end. “Got a burning question here. More burning than the fire
in my loins right now, because goddamn.”

Aradia rolled her eyes, but Karkat just stared.

“So, Karkat--and I don’t know who the fuck names their kid Karkat, but who
cares, I mean, Aradia’s got a weird-ass name too. You single?”

The ghost’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck kind of question is that? Of course I’m
single, I’m fucking dead!”

“Okay, cool. Meet me at that hipster coffee shop on Front Street at 5 PM
tomorrow. Seeya there, babe.”

Aradia, meanwhile, had pulled out her phone and dialed a friend--one who’d no
doubt be extremely pleased to hear about this development.

“Hey, Nepeta? I think you need to update your shipping wall.”
***** Fine *****
Chapter Summary
     Terezi<3Vriska
     Stepford Smiler: The Stepford Smiler is a person whose happy, public
     face is less than such in reality. The person's real personality can
     be Depressed, Empty, or outright Insane; it really depends on the
     situation, but the point is that their outward projection is a stark
     contrast to the inward.
Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and you’re fine.

Really. You’re fine. You really are. Seriously.

You had to kill Vriska. It wasn’t what you’d wanted to do but it was necessary,
completely necessary to the preservation of the timeline and your own life and
Karkat’s life and everyone’s life and...fuck, you really wish you hadn’t had to
kill her.

But you did. You did what you needed to do, and...and that’s fine. Right? 

So what if you can’t sleep anymore? 

So what if you’ve taken to getting wasted on Faygo on a daily basis?

So what if you’re hate-fucking Gamzee, even though he always goes a bit too far
with everything?

So what if you’re spending nights locked in your meteor respiteblock dressed in
your old FLARPing outfit, looking through pictures from the good old days on
your husktop?

So what if you didn’t hate her as much as you convinced yourself you did?

So what if you maybe--just maybe--actually loved her, just a little bit? Maybe
more than a little bit?

You.

Had.

To.

Kill.

Vriska.

Serket.

End of story. 

It’s become your mantra, the thing that helps you sleep when the Faygo isn’t
enough. It was part of the alpha timeline, and so it had to be done, because if
you hadn’t killed her you would have doomed your timeline, your friends,
yourself. Everything you know and love would be irrevocably deleted from
existence. Gone forever, just like that.

You meet Aranea in the dreambubbles after passing out drunk one day. It’s all
been wearing on you, and you confess to her--a total stranger, someone who
can’t really judge you--that you’re conflicted on the whole thing.

(But you’re fine. Really.)

When you fuck Gamzee later that day he chokes you so hard that you pass out,
and when Karkat sees you lying on the padded mating platform, dazed and half-
awake with a badly bruised throat, he asks you if you’re okay, and you say yes.

You are okay. You are fine.

Dave finds out about the Gamzee thing sooner or later and tells you that he
can’t do this, that this quadrant shit is just too weird for him. You tell him,
smiling through the tears, that you understand if he wants to leave you.

(And he does leave you. But that’s fine.)

Every time you fuck Gamzee he tells you about how awful you are. “You’re just
some stupid blind cunt who can’t even kill a motherfucker without getting all
weepy,” he tells you one time.

“Maybe if your ugly-ass eyes worked you could all up and see what a worthless
fucker you are.”

“If you’re all jazzed about justice, go find your motherfucking gallows and
execute yourself like you’re one of your motherfuckin’ stuffed dragons.”

You try to once, writing “1M JUST GO1NG TO 4POLOG1Z3 TO VR1SK4 OV3R TH1S WHOL3
M3SS” on a piece of paper and leaving it outside Karkat’s door before you tie
the noose around your neck and kick back the stool.

He finds you as you’re about to lose consciousness and cuts you down with his
sickle, screaming at you, asking you how you could do something like that,
telling you that he doesn’t care what you tell him, you are not fine, but you
just slap him and crawl off, curling up in the nearest pile and, for the first
time in so long, falling asleep instantly.

You don’t smell Vriska anywhere, but you’d recognize the blueberry-and-vanilla
scent of Aranea’s dress anywhere by now, and when she asks if you’ve made your
decision, you just say yes.

You open your eyes and she’s gone, but the dreambubble is bright and vivid and
clear, and you still don’t smell--see--Vriska but you know she’s still dead.

She’s dead and you killed her, and nothing is the same anymore.

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and fuck it, you are not fine.

And maybe you never will be.
***** Poorer Every Day *****
Chapter Summary
     Tavros/&Aradia
     "Because alienation's for the rich
     And I'm a feelin' a poor-er every day."
     - Alienation's For The Rich, They Might Be Giants
You’ve lived in the trailer next to the Nitrams’ for longer than you can
remember, and you’re pretty sure you and Tavros connected instantly. He’s been
your best friend for so long, your only real confidant.

And yet there’s still so much you can’t tell him.

It’s the summer before your sophomore year. The temperatures are record-
breakingly high; the humidity, insane. And you’re still wearing the same baggy
sweatshirts and oversized jeans you wore in the winter, even as you sit outside
in the oppressively hot sun.

Dirt-poor as your family is, you do own a few articles of summer clothing. A
few t-shirts and tank tops, and at least one pair of shorts. But you won’t wear
them--not around your mom, and definitely not around Tavros.

You can’t let him see how it affected you. You can’t even let him know what
happened.

All you really remember of the incident was waking up on the floor of Vriska
Serket’s fancy-pants mansion with a pounding headache, bruised and bleeding
from places you’d rather forget about, with no recollection of the previous
night. You think you were at a party. 

You’re not sure why you went. You wish you hadn’t, because even just after
waking up you were able to piece together what had happened.

You never found out who did it. You have your suspicions, from the way he looks
at you every time you pass him as walk through the halls at school, from the
things you overheard every day in homeroom, from the notes left in your
locker. 

But who would believe you? You’re just poor trailer trash with a prostitute for
a mom and a sister who decided she couldn’t take life anymore, and his family
has more than enough clout to let him get away with whatever he felt like
doing.

It doesn’t matter, though. Not much does anymore--you just have to get through
things one day at a time.

“Aradia?”

You whip your head around, Tavros’ cracking voice bringing you out of your
slight stupor. “Hey, Tav,” you say quietly, unable to meet his eyes. You just
stare at his feet, at his shriveled legs and crappy excuse for a wheelchair. 

Things haven’t been easy for him lately, either. Not since the “accident” that
broke his spine. 

As if it were really an accident.

“I was just, uh, wondering if you were doing okay? You’ve been all...quiet.”

“I’m fine,” you lie.

“I’m, uh, not sure that this is what they’d call sweater weather.”

You simply shrug.

“L-look, I’m just...really worried? You don’t seem like, uh, you.”

Fuck, you think you might be crying. “Go away,” you mutter.

“No.”

“I said go away! I need some time to myself, okay?” Wow, you didn’t mean to
blow up like that, shit. He looks so hurt, but you can’t bring yourself to say
anything more, not even as he wheels himself away.

Your name is Aradia Megido, and you’re feeling poorer every day. Not
monetarily, no. You’ve always been poor in that regard.

No, you just think that somewhere along the line, you began to lose yourself.
And you wonder, looking at Tavros wheeling himself away, if maybe he’s been
feeling the same.

When you’re sure he’s out of earshot, you finally let the tears fall.
***** For The Bible Tells Me So *****
Chapter Summary
     Biblethumper!Beta Bro♥Anyone
     Fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus!
     - I love Jesus, a "Christian" music video.
     (I made it a sibling relationship instead tho)
“Yo, Bro, guess what.”

Dirk Strider, better known to most as “Dave Strider’s uber-religious older
brother,” looked up from his Bible. “This had better be important, kiddo,” he
drawled. “Tryin’ to brush up on my scripture here.”

“I’d say scoring a hot date with a beautiful wonan counts as important.”

“What the fuck’s a wonan? That sounds like devil speak, boy.”

“What? I meant woman. As in, you know, female human. I ain’t talkin’ about
summoning a demon, that shit would be dumb as hell.”

“Watch your fuckin’ language.”

“Sorry. Anyway, you know that Harley chick?”

Ah, yes. Dirk knew her, or at least knew of her. He knew her grandpa, at least-
-Jake Harley, light of his life, fire of his loins. He knew loving him was a
sin, but addiction is a powerful thing, and he was addicted to that ass.

But that’s irrelevant.

“What about her?”

“We’re going on a date tonight. Gonna see a shitty movie for ironic purposes
and then go back to her place.”

He paused, before adding, “Do you have any condoms? Because, you know, John was
asking about those. He be huntin’ for the pussy, yo.”

Dirk strode--YES, I WENT THERE--up to his brother, a look of pure murder in his
eyes. “Now listen here, kid,” he growled. “You are NOT allowed to fuck Jade.
Not in her growler, anyway. That’s a sin and you’ll go to hell, both of ya.”

“Her what.”

“Dave, do you love Jesus?”

“Dude, I am ALL ABOUT that guy. Gotta love Jesus, man.”

“If you really love Jesus,” Dirk hissed, “you won’t fuck her in her growler.
Fuck her in the ass if you love Jesus, kiddo.”

Dave tried to wrap his head around this.

Dave failed miserably.

“Okay. So to recap, anal is cool in God’s eyes so long as it’s,
like, hetero anal. Yo, Bro, is God okay with pegging?”

“David Jesus Joshua Joseph Ezekiel Mary Magdalene Strider, it is NEVER okay for
a man to take it up the butt. It is an ABOMINATION.”

“I thought that was the full homo. I mean, I’m pretty sure Jade’s a chick? She
has boobs and everything. Really great boobs, actually. Like, bitch is at least
a D-cup, probably.”

Dirk wished he could get a boner about that. He really did. That might mean he
was not a homosexual, and that the whole thing with Jake was...just a fluke. A
mistake, one he could repent for with a metric fuckton of prayer. 

But no, his dick remained limp as an overcooked noodle.

“If I find out you and that Harley girl did the full sex,” he muttered, face
uncomfortably close to Dave’s, “it’s totally okay for me to stone you to
death.”

“Alright, cool. Gonna totally avoid any vaginas. Shh, only assholes now.”

Dirk grinned. “That’s my boy.”
***** Ode To Bromance *****
Chapter Summary
     "Equius/Brobot with optional Equius/Dirk and/or Equius/Hal
     Bromance + Comedy Of Errors"
Chapter Notes
     I accidentally submitted this RIGHT as BR6 was ending, so it didn't
     count for points. I hope you enjoy it anyway!
     And yes, they're proper Shakespearean sonnets. :P
There was a blueblood, name of Equius
Who found himself caught in a rad bromance
And Brobot, the recipient of this
Emotion, was not sure how to advance
A friendship into something redder yet.
For Equius had feelings for a boy
Named Dirk, a human who was just not het-
erosexual, though that quite annoyed
the troll, because he didn’t understand
What gayness was, or how it manifests.
But Brobot helped him, stood there, held his hand
And Equius did try his very best
To get the boy to love him back, but oh!
The boy loved shades, not Equius, and so…

Brobot took matters into his own hands.
“My bro here loves you, you moronic fool!
Why would you date a pair of glasses, man?
You’re acting like a big enormous tool.”
So Brobot, in his anger, did dress up
As Dirk himself, not knowing that, in truth
Young Equius had plans to fuck shit up
Between the human and the shades--forsooth!
For Equius had made a great disguise
And now resembled eyeshades just like Hal.
So when they went to crash the other guy
And AR's date, they only met their pals.
A comedy of errors, but alas
You cannot tear a boy from tinted glass.
***** WHO YA GONNA CALL *****
Chapter Summary
     Nic Cage is a ghost and John and Vriska have to SAVE THE DAY
Chapter Notes
     I'm transferring the fics from A Series Of Unfortunate Vignettes to
     this collection. ORGANIZATION!
One day John and Vriska were MAKING OUT IN NIC CAGE'S BUSHES, and Nic Cage came
out and was all “what the fuck are you doing here” but then Rose rode up on
Maplehoof and trampled him and he died. Oh no!
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” John screamed
melodramatically. “NOW WE HAVE TO HUNT HIS GHOST.”
“Don't worry, John!!!!!!!! I can see ghoooooooosts.” That was Vriska, for those
of you who can't count to eight.
Then they went inside the mansion and Nic Cage's ghost was like right there
because he died like five feet from the entrance? John got out his Super Junior
Ghostbusters Slime Pak TM and slimed the Nic Cage ghost and then the Nic Cage
ghost vanished, as ghosts tend to do when slimed, as is my understanding.
Rose went off to be a lesbian with Kanaya while John and Vriska fucked RIGHT
THEN AND THERE.
The end.
***** Hans Von Homestuck *****
Chapter Summary
     SolAra written in the style of Hans Von Hozel.
     Look him up.
     Seriously, look him up.
Chapter Notes
     Co-written with Gabu AKA my moirail AKA my BFFSY 4EVRZ, my words.
One day John was type on computer. Suddenly, trolls!
"All my Pesterchum is troll by Trolls!" say John, made a sadly.
Meanwhile, Karkat was a Veil and danubed over to Sollux. He was very mad.
"Sollux! We stuck in Veil and you are being a crying!"
"But Karkat," Sollux cry, "My matesprite make a breakage!"
"Breakage can be fix!"
"But an explosion!"
"Soulbot release soul, Equius can be a makings of a new one."
"But Equius is a scare!" whine Sollux, made a sadly.
"EQUIUS, DON'T MAKE A SCARE WITH SOLLUX!"
"I AM NOT MAKE A SCARE!" shout Equius. "I AM MAKE A STRONG!"
"YOU MAKE A SMASHINGS WITH YOUR FISTS!" Sollux whine.
"I also make a buildings of robots!" add Equius.
"That is of a truthings," Sollux said. So Equius make a robot, but of the blue
blood!
"Aradia shall not be of lowblood, is a highblood!"
"Oh no!" shout Sollux, as a lowblood too.
"Aradia is of my possessive!" Suddenly, Aradias!
"Hello of a Worlds!" she danubed.
"EQUIUS WANTS TO MAKING OF A BLUE-BLOODS!" exclaim Sollux at Aradia.
"EQUIUS, I WANTS TO MAKE OF A LOWBLOOD!"
"Maybe of a middleblood?" suggest Equius?
"YOU MAKE A BARGAIN OF THE HARD, BUT SURE WHY NOT." Sollux agreed.
"OF A LOWBLOOD!" shout Aradia, and make a blowings up of the Veil with her
psychics.
THE END.
***** HOMEFUCK *****
Chapter Summary
     Possibly the worst thing that I'll ever post to this collection.
Chapter Notes
     I have bipolar disorder type 2, and when I get hypomanic (look it
     up), these things happen:
     1. I get lots of ideas. They are not always good ideas.
     2. I make a lot of typos.
     3. I do not correct my typos.
     Other stuff too, but that's the main explanation for this fic.
HOMEFUCK STORY THE FIRST: THE TOUCHING (LOL GEDDIT) TALE OF KARKAT VANTAS, MALE
PROSTITUTE
Once upon a time there was a troll named Karkat Vanstas and he filled buckets
for momey. This was all despide him having candy red blood, which naturally
translated into candy red jizz. One would assume this would bget him culled but
it didtnt, so it's okay. Kartkat's pimp wasa Lord English, who was also the
pimp of every whore in Homestuck, and all the characterrs are actually wores wo
they were all lord English's prostitutes. Also they all lives on Alternia
someow??? Even the humans lived on Alternia even though they were humans and
canonicallyu from a different fucvking universe altogether, buy tt this is my
kawaii au where yaoi happens so fuck youy.
ANDYWay there was this other hooker namned John which is iroinic because the
guys who have sex with prostitutes are called johns. FORESHADOWING?????>??? And
Karkat was in hot yaois witgh Johbn, but that weas a bad thing becaus as we all
know from Homestuck and by esxtenstion every fanfic ever written about it that
features John and Karkat in hot yapis, John is Not A Homosexual (TM). Karkar
knew this was lies tho because he was watching John IN BED one night and Jon
was totally making out with a Nic Cage body pillow and humping it and shit, and
Nic Cage is a guy and John was omosexual for him.
DInce Jon was gay as fucj for Nidcolas Cage Karkat ficgured John might be gay
for him too (him being Karkatw in this case obviously) so he went to Sollux who
is the master of the ways of love because he has two girlfriends and maybe a
hate boyfreind too.
"SOLLUX OW DO I FUCK JOGHN'S HOT BUT." jarkat asked Solluk.
But Sollux was too busy hafing sex with Aradia and Feferi at the same time to
answer because i think that's actually all he ever does in this fanivfc, also
he was coding or something at the same rtime because he's a ghacker and also he
still fucked Aradia even though sge diesd because shes ghost. Feferi was an u
nimportant enough character to answer though, so she was all like "give him
some fish and he will love you 5evr". Karkat was all "oh okay" but Sollxu was
piss because 5 is nbot a multiple of 2 and he therefore did not approve of hhe
whoel 5evr meme.
Karkat then proceeded to kill eridan (A/N I DON'T LIKE ERTIDAN SO LOL) and give
him to Jon because Eridan is like a fish, he has the BODY of a troll but the
MIND of a fish, and also trhe gills and ability to breath underwater of a fish
so maybe hse's a mertroll idk. John gasped at the sudden offering of fish
because secrwtly john loves fish a whole lot, food-wise. Its a secret because
when he was growiung up his dad wouldnt let him eat anything that wasnt' a cake
and fish isnt' a cake unless its c rab cakes which it wasn't (AN IDK IF CRABAS
ARE FISH). His last name is egbert because theres eggs in cake unless it's
vegan. Ttrue stoory.
"katrat is tjis a romantic gesture or somethign" asked John.
"YES NOW LET'S YAOI" said Karkate!
And then they porked and Kark,at jizzed so hard that it show out John's mouth
and killed im only it didn't kill him because jong is god tier and sex death
isn't erroic or just. John came approxilately 413 trimess somehoiw.
"How can this be?" he wondered aout loud. "I an not a homosexualt!"
"Excep[t for me and Nick Cage" Karkat pointd outl.
"Oh right" John noted.
And then ythey hels each 0other ontul the syun came up even though the sun on
alternai is bad tjey did it anyway.
END PART ONE
***** The True Meaning Of Friendship *****
Chapter Summary
     A prompt exchange in four parts.
Chapter Notes
     Another collab with Gabu!
Prompt (Acey): baman/piderman yaois
Fill (Gabu): Once, Baman was makin out wif Piderman, and dey were both moanin
and touching each udder’s pants parts and made dere hotdogs get hot and plump.
So Piderman took out Bamans hotdog and began eating it, ‘cept he wasn’t biting
or anyting, jus sucking on it. It made Baman moan and then hot cweam squirted
from da hot dog into PIderman’s mouf. Den Baman took out Piderman’s hot dog and
sucked on dat as well, and Piderman’s hotdog leaked out cweam as well! Den dey
went to sweep in each others arms!
 
Prompt (Gabu): Pantstuck, take it as you will.
Fill (Acey):  One day, Vriska hauled her fat ass out of her recuperacoon and
got dressed. The problem was that she had slept over at Kanaya's hive and,
after a long day of sexing, lost her pants! So she grabbed a pair of Kanaya's
ultra-fashionable slacks and tried to put them on, but her leg got stuck in
them because it was, like, really big and Kanaya isn't fat. Kanaya despaired
when she found out, and had to use SCISSORS to cut Vriska out of her beautiful
pants. But the mention of scissors made her think of scissoring, so they fucked
some more and all was forgiven. THE END.
 
Prompt (Acey): Anything about troll pop music.
Fill (Gabu):  Recently, Troll Rebecca Black made a pop music hit for all the
fuckass wrigglers that was simply annoying to those who actually had a fucking
thinkpan. Today is the Sixth Day of the Week and I Will be Reminding You of
This Fact for The Next Three Minutes and Somewhere in my Song I'll Have A Rap
Musician Come in and Help Out went straight to #1 on the Troll Music Charts.
Troll Rebecca Black has since been culled.
 
Prompt (Gabu): Medibot/Pokecapn YAOI
Fill (Acey): One day, Medibot and Pokecapn were playing some shitty video game.
"THIS GAME SUCKS, REMOVE YOUR PANTS," commanded Medibot. Pokecapn agreed
because yaois are a better use of time than bad video games. AND THEN THEY
PORKED AND IT WAS LIVESTREAMED TO THOUSANDS. OOPS.
***** A Fic By Vriska, Age Two Sweeps *****
Chapter Summary
     At two sweeps old, Vriska wrote a story.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
im virska im to sweaps oild and i wroted this
ones there was a troll named vriosak serket and she was the gr8est trol because
she wasa just liek mindfag only bigger and eight. she had a m8sprit naemd
tarvos and he wuz rly cut and she loevd him. aradea was a bich tho beczue she
was lowblod. terezy was vskras BEST FREND and they had lost of avengers
togethar. 
1 day minefang poffed in fornt of vriska amnd sed "your gr8 and i want u to
john my crew of pier8s" and viriska sad yea because piru 8s r cool. 
so vriksa got a cultass an a gr8 hat bcuz she was pir8 nao and they went off to
the c togather but tavros wos sad bcuz he loievd vriska. vciska gave him a hug
and a kis even tho boys hav cotties.
SUNDENLY ARADA CAM OVER AN TOOK TRAVOS AWAY THO BECASE SHES JERK. but vriska
waz rly gr8 so shi stabded aradia with her cutlas an aradia dyed and taros sad
"thanks for saving me visjwa" and vriska and him made out the edn.
Chapter End Notes
     LET'S PLAY "FIND THE BLATANT SHOUT OUT TO THE SPIDERSES"
***** HEY HONEY I'M HOME(STUCK) *****
Chapter Summary
     Eridan and Sollux do the full yaoi.
Chapter Notes
     Written for a WTFFanfiction contest.
     I did not win.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Humanstuck!coffeeshop!college!superhero!AU!Eridan lay seductively on his bed,
his throbbing member bulging in anticipation of Sollux's equally throbbing
member.

Eridan's superpower of being intensely attractive and having a very large cock
(AN: like in canon lol) was only really useful in the bedroom, but Sollux's
psionic powers, amplified by mind honey, were only really useful for killing
the fuck out of things. So when Sollux came in, naked as a newborn and holding
a jar of mind honey, Eridan found himself befuddled.
 
"Sol," he asked, "w-why do you hawe the mind honey?"
 
"Becauthe I heard it maketh really amathing lube," the Gemini replied, wonking
exsexily.
 
Sollux liberally smeared the mind honey on his man-sausage, and thrust himself
eagerly into Eridan's waiting boy-cunt (AN: that means anus, obviously). Of
course, he made sure to stimulate Eridan's throbbing beef truncheon as well,
since his favorite part of homosexual intercourse was, of course, the presence
of two dicks.
 
The mind honey, of course, overloaded Sollux's psionics, creating a pleasant
tingling sensation and destroying the eastern wall of their shared dorm. "Oh w-
well," Eridan sighed. "I'll just get my w-wealthy father to cower the expenses
caused by your irresponsible choice in lubricant."
 
"Fuck you, ath-hole," Sollux grumbled. At this point, he remembered he was
already fucking Eridan, so his point was moot. "Thit."
 
With a cry of "WWEH!" on Eridan's part and "BEETH!" on Sollux's, they came in
unison, and Sollux pulled his fearsome lance from Eridan's delicate ass-flower.
 
And then they held each other until the sun came up.
 
THE END.
Chapter End Notes
     You may note that "and then they held each other until the sun came
     up" pops up a lot in my joke fics. It's a Clone High ref.
***** are my parents ever coming home? *****
Chapter Summary
     "God?"
     "YES?"
     "Are my parents ever coming home?"
Chapter Notes
     Moving the stuff from Softer over here too.
When he was little, he didn't understand why the other kids had mommies and
daddies, and he just had Bro. Bro had told him that Mommy and Daddy left, but
he never said why, never gave any real reason.
 
When Dave found out about that thing called prayer, he asked that big man
called God if Mommy and Daddy would come home someday.
 
(He could've sworn he heard a “no.”)
***** there had to be an answer *****
Chapter Summary
     Baby Doom knew that they all had to die. But after they died, who
     would change him? Who would feed him? There had to be an answer.
Sollux had always known she'd die first. Even were it not for Vriska's
machinations, or the end of the universe, Aradia's days were numbered, due to
the simple fact that she was a rustblood.
 
He always wondered what he'd do when she was gone, how he'd manage when he got
depressed and didn't even want to get out of his recuperacoon.
 
Well.
 
He didn't have to wonder anymore.
***** what i did for love *****
Chapter Summary
     In the caves behind my house I found a softer world. They understand
     what I had to do for love. They don't believe in restraining orders.
Sometimes, when she was asleep, Eridan would watch Feferi, just watch her. Not
like that mustard-blooded prick who'd stolen her, oh no, he was there for her.
He knew what he had to do.
Sollux had to die.
Shame he'd have to get his hands dirty. But that's what you do for love, right?
***** just go *****
Chapter Summary
     I lost my whole family to the fire. I cried for weeks. Nothing could
     console me. Until I woke up this morning, and I could fly. Just
     spread my arms and go.
The fire had utterly decimated the Megido residence, leaving one survivor:
eight-year-old Aradia, stuck in the hospital with severe burns and unable to
stop crying.
She spent weeks like that. Inconsolable. Unwilling to talk to the doctors and
nurses, or even to the man who would be adopting her when she was out of the
hospital. For three long weeks, Aradia was nearly silent, save for choked sobs.
And then one day, when Mr. Droog came in to try and talk to his soon-to-be
adoptive daughter, he saw her standing on her bed, laughing and smiling like
nothing had ever been the matter.
“They told me I could fly,” she told him dreamily. “Just spread my arms and
go.”
He would never be sure if it was simple child's play, but it did seem like she
was getting better. He wouldn't push the subject.
(And sometimes, when she ran through the park, he wondered if maybe she had
been right.)
***** care to explain that one? *****
Chapter Summary
     The mayor says be calm. Waters rise, and towns flood. That's a part
     of nature. We understand. We do not understand the giant babies.
“Citizens of Can Town,” WV exclaimed, “we have nothing to fear! The Great Faygo
Flood has been stopped. All is well.”
“But Mayor,” Dave asked, waving a can around, “what about the giant babies?”
WV never would understand what Dave was talking about.
***** but i do *****
Chapter Summary
     I can hear you under the floorboards while they sleep. You think no
     one hears. You think there will be no one to stop you.
Terezi knew full well what Vriska was up to. Her former best friend, now on the
run after killing a mutual friend of theirs and crippling another, had made the
mistake of going to her for sanctuary.
 
Of course Vriska lied about what had happened. Said she was just an innocent
witness. But Terezi knew.
 
And Vriska would have to face justice.
***** darling it's better *****
Chapter Summary
     There's a whole world down in the ocean, filled with talking shrimp,
     and boys who call you back, but my breath won't hold long enough.
Rose had always been fascinated by the ocean.
 
Sometimes, she wondered if maybe there was another civilization down there--
mermaids or talking shrimp or what have you--where she could find love and
happiness, things sorely lacking from her home life. She knew it was
ridiculous, a child's fantasy, but it was a thought she had entertained on
occasion.
 
She wished she had gills. Maybe she could feel the soft embrace of tentacles
and ocean currents someday, when technology advanced to that point where scuba
tanks and such were no longer necessary. The day couldn't come soon enough.
***** one last desperate hope *****
Chapter Summary
     There are people who believe a photo captures your soul. For them
     this is a terrible thing. For me it's one last chance.
Some people, the more superstitious of Eridan's friends, said that a photo
could capture a soul. He had, of course, dismissed the idea as rubbish. But
when he asked Feferi to pose for him, and she complied, smiling so brightly, he
wished it could be true.
***** she was so fluffy *****
Chapter Summary
     I was so sure my search would end when I found God. But then I
     couldn't find my car keys, and my cat ran away.
Gamzee thought that maybe, just maybe, the Mirthful Messiahs would be his
lifeline. Hell, he believed as much with all his heart, really. He thought his
search for meaning was over once he'd joined the cult.
 
That is, until his lusus stopped visiting.
 
Now he wasn't sure about anything.
***** i thought for sure i'd never have to pay *****
Chapter Summary
     I got a letter from my grandmother, though she's been dead for ten
     years. She didn't say "I miss you" or "I love you," just "remember
     when I lent you rent money?" and "I need you to pay me back."
pocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
 
AA: s0llux
TA: thii2 ii2 the wor2t prank anyone ha2 ever had the nerve two pull on me.
TA: 2ure, pretend two be my dead mate2priit, that'2 fuckiing wonderful.
AA: n0 im n0t pretending
AA: it really is me
AA: i can pr0ve it
 
apocalypseArisen [AA] sent “runes.png” to twinArmageddons [TA]
 
TA: ...aa.
TA: ii mii22ed you 2o much, oh my god.
AA: thats n0t imp0rtant right n0w
AA: i need y0u t0 help me decipher these runes
AA: and c0nvert them int0 c0de
TA: ...fuck.
***** i could never deny her anything *****
Chapter Summary
     He never meant for it to end. He wanted to give her everything. So
     when she said "higher," he pushed her higher. But she said, "No.
     Higher."
Kanaya loved Vriska.
 
She loved Vriska in ways she couldn't accurately put into words, in ways that
ached when she so much as thought about them.
 
She'd give her the world, if she could. And so when Vriska asked her to make a
dress for her, who was she to refuse?
 
“It needs to be shorter.”
 
“Vriska, it's already quite short.”
 
“No. Shorter.”
 
Had she known the purpose of the dress, she might've refused.
 
But then again, how could she? She was too deeply in love.
 
It hurt.
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